h@ll@n's wOrLd

New Return

2011-08-04T01:59:00.003+08:00

Wow, its been a really long time since my last post.

There's been a lot of things happen in the past few months.

And, now I'm back to KDU again.

I wonder what my future looks like.

Welcome back to myself!

不只是朋友

2010-10-20T02:18:00.002+08:00

你从不知道
我想做的不只是朋友
还想有那么一点点自私的占有

不只是朋友
那又在期待什么呢?

自己？

2010-10-11T02:28:00.002+08:00

“自己”
这两个字对我来说，真的实在是好沉好沉……

做自己，真得那么容易吗？
常常听别人说：“做自己就好了！不需要顾虑别人的眼光！”
但要做到这样，又谈何容易。

我，根本就是个活生生的谎话。
一直被谎话所包装的我，又如何做自己呢？
我很想做自己，但我不能！
有些事，真的无法回头。

我很想不管一切的做自己。
但，只要看见未来的我，真正的我，我无法做自己了。

最近，也许是看到了太多，竟然触景伤情了起来。
想到一路来的我，就觉得我活得，也未免太空虚了吧。
一切的一切，就只有谎话。

真实的回忆，又有什么呢？
我真的很想你……
你为什么当初可以那么的残忍？
难道我就真的那么不值得你去爱吗？
那一句……就那一句：“No!"
让我的心，彻彻底底的碎了！

你的忽冷忽热，对我来说，是无比的残酷！
我的爱，就这样的，被你糟蹋了！

做自己？每当我听到这句话时，我会不禁的冷笑。
世上，能真的做自己的人，又有几个呢？
每一个人，都是围绕着谎言。
所谓的现实也都是谎言。

我，什么都不是，只是玩具一个。
玩腻了，就会被遗弃。

身边的人，也只是为了自己的利益。
我，对他们而言，就如工具，得到胜利的工具。
生锈了，我就会被遗忘。

一个人，栽下面具，独自在黑暗里落泪。
孱孱留下后，又把面具戴上。

原来我，什么都不是，什么都没有。

I feel so annoyed!!!

2010-07-13T01:50:00.002+08:00

What on earth would a guy behave like him?
Why cant he just settle things by himself?
And why cant he be just a little bit humble?

Im not a story listener and I dont have to if I dont want to.
What makes you think that I would have to listen to all your craps?
Your stories are so boring!!!
And yet you still think that you have hell of a great stories!!
OMG!!! Wake up man!!!

I mean why should I tolerate.
You have your own space and privacy.
Therefore, Im hoping the same for me from you.
But you have been interfering my life and my routine.
It makes me feel so irritated!!!

Damn it!!!
Im angry yet I've to hold my fire back!!!
5 more months to go...
Hope I do have that power to control myself!!!

=.="

好需要。。。

2010-06-10T17:03:00.002+08:00

怎么办呢？
最近都觉得有点怪怪的。。
突然觉得自己好孤独噢~ T_T

好需要爱情噢~
是太久没得到爱情的滋润吗？
突然好羡慕周围的朋友。。
大家都有了属于自己的另一半。。
我呢？

还需要多久呢？
真的很希望自己可以快点找到让我幸福的人。。
哎哟。。。惨了啦~
真的觉得自己失心疯了啦~
爱情快快来。。。
好需要你。。。 >3

3 Months

2010-06-01T07:52:00.002+08:00

Fuuhhh... 3 months had gone without me noticing.

Well, lets see what had happened in this short 3 months.

Firstly, of course I did move out from my hostel into a new house nearby college. I did busy for 2 weeks just to move all my stuffs. By that time, I realised that I had hell lots of stuffs. x.x
Anyway, I decorated the room in my way to make me feel at home. I did spend quite a sum of money to make it happen but at least I was happy with the outcome. I couldn't really get myself adapted at the first night. Everything just felt so weird and awkward but I did survive the night and get some sleep. Thats all for the moving part.

Next, well, I had a roommate now. I really need time to accept the fact and adapt myself to a sharing environment. I would say that everything started quite good at the beginning though my 1st choice of bed and table had to be given out to my roommate. I felt abit sad yet just wanted to be nice, so I let him had them with reluctantly. Later on, I finally understood why they said that we'll get to know a person's true characters after you live together with them. Well, that's going to be a future story.

Furthermore, my studies were suck. They were falling apart like a falling puzzle. I tried to sort the problems out but I failed. I am seriously afraid that I would get an average result for this semester. But, I think I will give myself a try for a final shot before the exam. Class was doing good in general. Although there were some arguments, I still managed to hold my temper and did not let it escape to the surface for eruption. The stories in between will be told in its separated topics. Haha.. ^_^

Lastly, my relationship. Its complicated yet lonely but full with surprise. Actually I tried to make it sounds interesting because I myself need to comfort myself for that. Anyway, I would create a topic on my relationships. So, I guess that's all in general which had happened to me in past 3 months. What an exhausting yet exhilarating months!!!

Return

2010-06-01T07:32:00.002+08:00

Its been a long time since my last blog.
A lot of things had happened to me.
There were happiness, sadness, glorious and frustration.

I am going to describe as details as possible in my following blogs about my life in this 3 months after I've moved into a new room.

Obsession

2010-04-07T21:58:00.002+08:00

"Power and fame will make people obsess for them."
I have always tell my friends about this.

You will never know what the obsession for power and fame could do to a person.
The result is far from imaginable.
The hunger and thirst for the power will drive a person to be fully obsessed and possessed.

I have seen my friend in this state before.
Trust me, its horrible and terrible.
He did everything he could to achieve his goal in having the control over everything.
I could not trust and all the things he did was unbelievable for me as he used to be one of my best friends.

However, things had changed lately.
For all this time, I have been doing my best to resist the temptation.
Lastly, I succumbed to its demonic summon.
I have turned into one of them.
I felt ashamed of myself.
I felt very guilty to myself as I have pledged that I would never fall into the darkness of obsession.

Therefore, I am trying to pull myself out of the darkness.
The claws had hold themselves on me.
I must release myself before my consciousness being swollowed up by the devil.
I do not what will happen after this.
But, I am wishing for the best.

Be strong... ... ...

I was cheated?

2010-04-07T20:55:00.002+08:00

Last two weeks,
I thought I have found someone that I could pour my love on him.
But, I think I am wrong. Everything is just my own misunderstanding.

Haha... think back again, I just realised how foolish I am.
Just because he called me "honey", just because he said he loved me, just because he was treating me so nice, the stupid me just blindly believe that he did really love me.

Maybe I am just a dumb fool. Whenever I encountered the truth, I will always be the loser.
The truth will just strike me with the force of an air blow and the impact will be my broken heart.

I felt hurt and disappointed. I am behaving like a young teenager who just fell in love with someone and found out that all of this is just his own idiot fantasy.

What is wrong with me?
Everything seems so wrong.
My academic performances started to deteriorate.
My friendships are falling apart.
Everything of mine is falling apart.

I felt like crying.
But, the tears just ain't going to stream down.
I heard once, when you are totally breakdown, you will not feel like crying because there are no tears from your heart as it has already dead.
I do believe that yet I did not experience the feeling before.

Finally, my tears are falling down.
Words do know how my feeling is.
But, they can never express it to others.

Betrayal?

2010-03-27T18:15:00.002+08:00

I have been considering for a few days now.

Apparently, I am flirting with a girl that my friend likes so much.
So, it makes me feel like I am betraying him.
However, the girl shows no interest towards him.
Yet, he still does not give up.

In one hand, I felt like I had done something I should not.
But, in another hand, its not my fault. We are just fighting fair.

Nevertheless, I am afraid that my friend would know about this sooner or later.

Have I Let Go?

2010-03-06T16:43:00.004+08:00

Let go?
Am I?

This question had puzzled me for awhile.
Did I really let go?

Honestly, I ,myself can't give a confirm answer.
I told myself that it's time for me to move on.
Yet, deep inside myself, I still keep a tiny trait of hope.
The hope of a light to bring me out from the current darkness which seems eternal.

I always thought that if I try hard enough, I will be able to change the fact and truth.
However, I failed myself.
The truth is no matter how hard I tried, I will never be able to make miracle happen.

Nevertheless, fate do like to tease people.
When I made up my mind to move forward, once again, hints being shown as if there is a U-turn for me.
I wanted to trust that I have the chance to make the U-turn.
But, no. It'll never happen for me.
The gap between us is huge.
Sometimes, I feel we are so close that we are meant for each other.
However, the reality is cruel and devastating.
My fantasy was destroyed by this powerful force.

Starting from that moment, I've realised that we were not meant for each other.
So, what is the persistent for a no ending relationship?

I really tried to let go.
But, it's never an easy task.
I'll keep on trying.
And there will be no more U-turn.
The best way to retain is friendship.
I think that is the most suitable relationship that should we establish rather than upgrade it to a higher level.

Please forgive my selfishness.
I know you never meant to have this ending.
Yet, I am exhausted.
I can't stand for any longer.
Forgive me for my weak.
Forgive me for letting myself collapse during the construction of our relationship.
I am sorry.

Fantasy

2010-02-20T20:50:00.002+08:00

Fantasy
This word really make me think for quite some time to figure it out.
For me, Fantasy is a dream which is feasible yet seems impossible.

I'm a person who likes to read novels.
Whenever I finish reading a novel, I'll start to think about the story itself.
Sometimes, I'm just so envy of these stories.
They seems so wonderful yet hazardous.
I couldn't afford to let all these craps to "hack" my mind.
The consequences are devastating.

However, I used to fantasise that I will own a life as written in novels.
Follow thw plot of novel, the rendezvous of two person who has been indicated for each other.
After a few obstacles, they struggled through and live together happily.
Although they had fought over some thoughts, they still strongly bonded to each other.

I seriously I could have this kind of love even only for once in my life.
Though I would have to go through a really hard time and earn the future,
I would do anything at any cost to maintain the happiness that belongs to me.

Mostly, after I finished a novel, I would sigh and a pearl drop of tear would flow down my cheek.
The sigh is either sighing for the sad ending or sometimes even sighed for the happy ending.
The sigh for sad ending is because the loved ones could not be together though they had gone through a very hard time. Now, that's usually happen in reality. Whereas the sigh for happy ending is because I'm sighing for myself who is so eager to have that kind of life. I sighed that this kind of happy ending hardly happen in reality especially current days.

Nevertheless, fantasy is a fantasy. It can become true if you work hard enough, sometime it won't come true even after you returned to the earth. Fantasy has the power to drive a person towards triumph but it also has the power to send a person to hell. The balancing and neutrality between fantasy and realityis the life that I'm looking forward to have.

Its Time for Me to Change

2010-01-27T21:33:00.003+08:00

Today, I had been given the opportunity to rethink my way of doing things.
One of my friends, Apple had said something to me which had made me fell into a serious thought.

She said, "Now, I know you are very efficient. You could finish things in a very fast pace. But, please think of others. Maybe others are not as efficient as you. Maybe you should follow the others' pace rather than yours."

Frankly speaking, at that moment, my emotions overwhelmed my rationalism. I was annoyed by her statement at that moment. However, as soon as I chilled down, I started to think again the statement she had thrown on me. Maybe the time has come for me to change my way of doing things.

I think I better start learning how to take order from others. Maybe a long term of holding high positions during high school had made me became used to that kind of position where I'll be the one to give order and decide the whole game.

The statement threw on me seriously created a huge impact on me. I don't know how many persons did I irritated but I really do hope that I still able to make U-turn and set things right.

Well, I will train myself to receive orders better and try to ignore those jobs which are out of my responsibilities coverage. After all, maybe that's what everybody is hoping. Yet, I will never let my performance and image being destroyed. I'll do my best to ensure an eternal triumph.

New Year

2010-01-17T22:51:00.002+08:00

Once again~
I've returned to this realm of my heart.

Honestly, I don't believe in this new year resolution thing.
I think its crap! People always has this resolution but how mnay did actually achieve them?
I prefer to set a goal for myself and struggle to achieve.
I think the enjoyment is much greater than achieve that resolution crap!

Anyway, in this 2010, I just hope that my studies go smoothly.
Anything good please do happen. Anything bad but not major one could also happen just to give me a reminder. I wouldn't want to have a huge turnover in my cuurent life.

WoHoo~ I'm Home....

2009-12-13T12:01:00.002+08:00

Finally, I'm home.
After all this time, I can stay at home for at least a month.
I'm very happy.

I could go hanging out with my friends.
I could eat a lot of super delicious nice stuff.
I could play with my little cousin Jocelyn.

Anyway, I super delighted to be back!!!!
WoHooo...............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^^

I gave up

2009-12-04T02:31:00.002+08:00

I've tried hard enough to not jealous.
But I failed.

I really couldn't find a reason or source for me to continue believing that someday you and me will be together.
This dream is falling apart.

I gave up.
I really had given up.
I'm sorry.

Let just be friend.

It just won't work!!!

2009-11-29T04:17:00.002+08:00

我试了又试！
我不想那么快放弃，可是我到最后还是放弃了。
我与你，有着天壤之别，根本不可能在一起。

我们俩来自于不同世界的人。
你的观念与我不同，待人处事也不一样。
我觉得，就算我百般的对你迁就，忍让都好，我们还是没办法在一起的。

原因非常的简单。
虽然我不介意，但我还是会吃醋。
我没办法控制你的自由，但你也没控制你所拥有的自由。
这造成了两败俱伤的后果。
你觉得为难，我觉得委屈，那又何必呢？

我从喜欢你那一刻开始，从没停止过希望与你在一起的那一天的来临。
但，现在的我，盼不到那一天的来临了。
I don't know how should I say this, but us... It just won't work!!!

我很高兴在这里认识到你。
也很庆幸自己曾经爱过你。
不过，10/12/09 当我从batu回来之后，我们之间就只剩下友情了。
纯纯的友情，再普通不过的友情罢了。

我们的约定，取消吧！

2009-11-27T22:32:00.002+08:00

那晚，我对你许下了承诺。
我们的约定，就在我们俩的手指纠缠下成立了。
但我，现在想告诉你，我们的约定，取消吧！

你的吻，是我朝思暮想的梦。
我们的约定，让我的梦实现了一半。
我感到无比的愉悦，就像我已经实现了已久的愿望。
但我，现在已不想这个愿望被实现。

对你许下的承诺，我会办到。
我不会让你的父母失望的。
我知道，他们对你的期望高，你也不想让他们失望。
答应了你，我就会设法日阿昂你过关。
但是，至于我们之间的约定，就算了吧。

我很怕，好怕，我无法实现我们的约定。
我害怕，当我吻你的时候，心已经死了。
我曾经认为我可以，可以睁一只眼闭一只眼。
最终，我还是失败了。

人类的嫉妒心，是个无比强大的力量。
我还是吃醋了。
我嫉妒，嫉妒你与他的暧昧。
我恨，恨你的随和，恨你的热情，恨你的暧昧眼神。

原本的我以为，忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空。
但我错了。
无谓的执着，带来的，只有无比的伤痛！
所以，我们的约定，取消吧！

Your return

2009-11-23T21:07:00.003+08:00

I was so happy the night before your return.
Though I was astonished by your call during the midnight, I still felt happy because you were telling me that you were coming back.
That night I slept with smile and sweetness.

Your return woke up me up as your contact ringtone came into live.
I picked up the phone and there you were.
Your voice was so energetic and eaagerly to enjoy the day.
I was expecting a great day being together with you.
That was what I wishing for at first.

I thought this would be our two person moment.
Yet, once again, I was wrong.
So, off we went to 1-U.
I couldn't hold myself together and be happy that day.
I didn't want to be there somehow.
I just felt like I'm the odd one there.
But, I knew that you'ld be upset if I would just say that I want to go back.
Therefore, I stayed.

Whenever I saw you, I just wanted to hold your hands.
Whenevr I saw you, I just wanted to kiss your lips.
Whenever I saw you, I just wanted to say "I love you".
But no matter whenever or however, I wouldn't have the chance to do all these.

是时候了吧

2009-11-17T01:43:00.004+08:00

想了想
总觉得我再坚持下去
也一无是处

我与你
应该还是比较适合做朋友吧

我的想法
是对还是错呢
我不知道
我只知道
每当看见你与他的时候
心里总还是会有一股不舒服的感觉

也许你的世界
真的和我的不同吧
我们俩都来自不同的世界
成长观念也各有主见
共同点
有吗

是时候了吧
也许
友情就是我们俩的选择

Again?

2009-11-16T02:33:00.004+08:00

What is wrong with me?
I thought I had forgotten you.
But why?
Only one call, one telephone call,
and once again, I fell into your love trap.
I think I"m falling in love with you again.
I don't know whether this is a good or bad thing.

I really do miss you a lot.
Now I'm sitting in my room.
Looking at your bed which you used to sleep on it.
Looking at the blanket you used to cover yourself.
I still can feel your breath in the room.
Only now that I realised I didn't even forget about you.

I miss your smile and your laugh.
Although I always grumbled to you that I'm sleepy and want you to go to bed with me,
I really did enjoy those days with you.
You made my life no longer lonely. I don't have to sleep alone.
But now, you've gone.
Once again, I've gone back to the time I've to sleep alone.

I really miss you.
How I wish I could tell you how much do I miss you.
I still remember the last day you were in the hostel.
That night, I tried my best not to drop my tears in front of you.
I looked at you hugging the others.
How I wish that I could hug you at that time.
But, I didn't. Because I scared I can't hold any longer and drop all my tears in front of you.
I know you were looking at me when you returned to give back the paper but I refused to turn back.
I don't want to let you saw me streaming tears across my cheeks.
I don't want you to feel sad leaving the hostel.

Today, you've called me.
I'm really really happy.
But, when you mentioned about "her", I felt jealous.
Why must you mentioned about "her" when you're talking to me?
I know you like "her". But I was hoping that you could give both of us moment together.
Although I know that you're just treating me as your brother, I don't care.
I like you and I always do.

Anyway, I really looking forward for next sunday.
I really wish that this time you really do come back.
I can't wait to go and watch movie with you.
I love to go out with you as I could imagine myself dating with you though I know that will never happen in reality.

Good night, my loved one.

1 week after He had left

2009-11-16T01:46:00.002+08:00

Today is the day where he had left me for 1 week.
I'm sohappy that he called me today.
We chat for 1 hour. He told me everything about he lived and worked there.
He did tell me that he felt lonely there.
several times, he even had a memory flashback where he was in the hostel and having supper and fooling around with all of us.
I've tried to forget him as a person that I ever liked before.
But, this call had pulled me back.
Once again, I fell back into the dilemma.
And I realised that I still liked him although I pretend I had forgotten him.

Anyway, I will always pray for him to be happy and not to be so lonely.
If I could ever let him know, I'll tell him that I'll always by his side.
I love you~

fUcKinG aNgRy

2009-11-03T11:53:00.000+08:00

Why you treat me like this?
I hate you!
I really hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel so fucking sick of you!!!!!!!!

Damn IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I HATE YOU !!!

2009-11-01T18:32:00.002+08:00

Why did you do this to me?
I feel terribly hurt by you.
My eyes still feel the pain from the long crying last night.
I hate you.
You should just tell me when you don't like the way I treat you.
I will never treat a person till such a way if I didn't have the feel of love towards him.
Do you think a normal friend will wait for you until 2-3am jz for you to finish your work?
I could just have gone up and sleep!
But I didn't. I wait for you to finish whatever you'ld to finish.
This is not what a friend would do.
I think my actions are very clear message to you that I like you.
But why you pretend in such a way that you can't feel it?
My heart once again being crashed. An dits you who opened the wound from the last pain.
I don't know why.
Maybe I'm just not suitable for having love.
I think LOVE doesn't belong to me.
No matter who he is.
From the beginning till now, I never had feel love.
None!!! Nothing!!!
What I get whenever I tried to give out hy heart is only hurt!!!
Wounds!! Pains!!! Hurt!!!! And tonnes of HURT!!!!!!

I hate you!!!
Just a few days more... you'll be leaving!!!
Why you did this to me?
Can't you leave for me some happy memories?
Why must you hurt my heart?
I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Last Few Days~

2009-10-31T23:51:00.003+08:00

Starting from today...
It'll be a count down start for me.
I'll have to start counting the following days.
Which will be very excruciating for me ... ... ... ...

爱你的我

2009-10-27T03:31:00.002+08:00

天天看着你
天天听着你

爱你的我
受尽无数创伤
在眼前
你如何对待每个不一样的女人

爱你的我
无法说出心中的心情
只好默默
忍气吞声

爱你的我
就因为所剩的时日已不多
不想因为一些无谓的因素
与你搞得不愉快

爱你的我
知道你要离开了
真的不想让你看见
我为你掉泪的双眼

我应该
把这感情收拾
做好心理准备
好让自己的心
没受到重伤

Weeks of sadness

2009-10-24T21:27:00.003+08:00

Following weeks will be a tough one for me.
Sadness going to wrap all over me.
I wish I can survive through this.

为何？

2009-10-21T00:52:00.002+08:00

为什么？为什么？
你为什么要这样呢？

你是要让我内疚吗？
你是要让我伤心吗？
你是要让我痛心吗？

我的确是很痛心，伤心不已，心痕累累，似乎已感觉不到伤痛。
但，不是因为我决定放弃你，是因为我又再次被女人玩弄了。
曾经放弃了女人的我，再次爱上女人是因为云的关系。
她让我相信，还是有女人是值得我去疼爱的。
知道遇见了你，我再次体验到女人的险恶。

三个月，非长亦不短，掏心掏肺讨好你，
但你，就无动于衷。
就算现在你告诉我，你已经喜欢上我了，那又怎样呢？
我三番四次提醒你，感情，一旦散了，想拾也拾不回了。
我说过，别等我对你的热情不见了，再来告诉我，你喜欢我。
那已经是一无是处。

爱情，悄悄地吻上你的脸，幸福漫漫，延伸心灵每一处；若把握时机，适时把爱情拥入怀里，幸福就属于你的。
爱情，悄悄地离开了你身边，痛苦漫漫，延伸心灵每一段；若把握时机，再也挽留不到爱情的离去，痛心就属于你的。

Bedside story (Pt 2)

2009-10-19T05:55:00.002+08:00

Stop! Please stop!

Could you please stop telling me all the stories of you and your ex-girlfriend?
I'm suffering. You're tearing my heart apart.
I know you still love her very much
I can see that. And I hated myself so much for being so understanding.
I know those images of her will occupy your heart for quite some time.
But, I'm listening with my heart falling tears.
I love you. But I can't tell you.
Whenever I see you smile as you remind of her,
I feel like killing myself.
Whenever I see you laugh as you remind of funny stories with her,
I have to laugh together but with a crying heart.

I ... ... ... ...
I really don't know what to do.
You let me see the picture of you kissing her.
During that split of second,
my heart stopped beating.
I feel numb.
How I wish I'm the one who you are kissing.

I stayed up late and listen to your stories.
I tried to make you feel that I really interested.
But when I tried to tell you mine,
you slept.
I want to have the feeling of anger,
but I couldn't.
I know you are tired.
So, I let you sleep.
And my tears just can't help but streaming down my cheeks.

Bedside story (Pt 1)

2009-10-19T05:49:00.002+08:00

"You will miss me when I'm gone. You'll feel so lonely and strange when I'm no longer sleep together with you. Then, you'll start thinking of me. Remember to tell me whenever you miss me."

This is what you've said to me.
I don't have to wait until you're gone.
Even now, you're just by my side.
I've started to miss you already.
You are right.
I definitely will miss you when you're gone.
Especially every night of not having you sleeping by my side.
Whenever I woke up and saw you sleeping like a child, just by my side,
I felt like I owned the world.
its such a wonderful feeling.

Your return

2009-10-19T05:46:00.002+08:00

You've go back.
You've returned to your home sweet home.
For once, I've think of asking you not to go back.
But I know.
You'll have to go back.
You have your work in the church.
I know you're a decent Catholic follower.
You'll never disobey your religion.
That's also one of the reason why I refuse and will not ever tell you the truth.

Never know

2009-10-19T05:37:00.002+08:00

You'll never know about this.
Never know that I've a crush on you.
I don't want to let you know about this.
I don't want to disgust me.
I don't want you to hate me.
I don't want to lose you.
Even for a second.
I don't want to be separated from you.
I love you. I really do.
Once you pursue your dream,
I know I can't stop you from leaving.
But I felt so sad and being left aside.
T.T

uncontrollable

2009-10-17T00:56:00.002+08:00

Really started to like him.
His face under the glimmer of dew was so irressistable.
He is just so cute!! >/////<
He looks like a newborn baby.
Trying to get more sleep under the warmth of mummy's hug.
I'm totally fascinated by all of his moves.
What should I do now?
He's leaving soon.
Very very soon.
Too soon that I've to fall back to earth just right after I'm in heaven.
I know I'll never own him.
But I just hoped that I'll have him for just a night.
A night where I'm neither his friend nor brother...
But a lover ... ... ... ... ... ...

Time has come

2009-10-15T21:43:00.002+08:00

The time has come for me to prepare myself.
He'll be leaving soon.
I don't know whether I can accept this impact.
I hope I will really get myself prepared for this.

Since the day I met him
I really think that we have some kind of chemcial reactions going on
Its not love reaction but some kind of brotherhood reaction.
I always wanted a brother for myself.
And his existance is just like a gift from God to fill up my heart.

Though I will only have him for a short time.
But I really appreciate it.
I wish that our relation won't end right after he left.

How I wish

2009-10-12T03:18:00.002+08:00

How I wish I could tell you the truth
I know I will never ever tell you the truth
Because I don't want to lose you
I am happy even though you treat me like a friend
Yet I can't treat you like a friend
You have become a special one for me
To be more details
You had totally taken over the place of "bb" in my heart
I don't know when and how did you make it
But you are the one in my heart now
I know its imposibble for you to be mine
And I know you will never belong to me
But I somehow still hoping that you will become mine
Maybe someone might think I'm crazy to hope for something that will never happen
But my heart just don't want to give up
I know this would be a hard journey
But I'm willing to go through this
I know this would make my heart full of grief and pain
But I'm willing to take the risk
This is just because I really do love you
With the strength of love
I think I will survive through this fatal trap
I really hope I do because I'm not sure that my heart is able to take another impact
Last impact had greatly broken my heart into debris
Pieces and pieces collected and joined again
Just hope that this time my heart won't go forever

3 days in Penang

2009-10-10T23:57:00.002+08:00

Day 1
Miss you
Really really do miss you
Want to be by your side
Listen to your voice
See your face
Look into your eyes
Lay on your shoulders

Yes I think
Its the time for me
I've to let go

Day 2
Its been 2 days
We never talk
Not even once
What does this mean
Does this mean there will be nothing between us

Yes
Answer has been confirmed
There'll be no more "we"

Day 3
The last day had come
There's nothing left
There'll only be smile
And only smile
No more feeling
No more missing
Only smiling
To cover up all the pain

Promise myself
Never fall tears anymore
Finall I got the answer
But its too late
I've lost you
Forever and ever

I think I ... ... ...

2009-10-07T04:05:00.002+08:00

I think I had grown the feel so badly.
Why am I becoming like this?
Why did we know each other?
Why did I talk to you?
Why I chose to sat by your side at that day?
We wouldn't have any contact with each other if I didn't start to involve in your life.
Why on Earth did I make friendship bond with you?

Now, I regretted.
Not to say regretted in a negative way but I'm regretted because I started to depend on you already.
I'll miss you if I didn't see you.
I'll want to send you a message whenever I'm free.
I'll want to call you to listen to your voice just to get rid of my loneliness.

So, what should I do now?
Sister ask me to follow my heart.
Should I?
I still love her but in the meantime, the feeling is growing eagerly towards him.
I know I'm not suppose to grow for any extension feeling on this relationship.
But, I can't control it. The more I resist the feel, the bigger it will grow.
I really started to rely on him now.
I ... ... ...
I can't find words to express.

Again...
By not making a decision is making a decision.
I don't know what I should do or should not do.
I know that I will never own neither he nor her.
So, come to the last, I think I ... ... ... ...
Either I'll be alone or still be alone... ... ...

Are you?

2009-10-05T22:20:00.001+08:00

I felt so tired.
Not my body but my heart.
For the first time, I've dropped my tears for you.
I knew that you'ld never realise or know about this.
But my heart is just falling apart.

She told me that you are never ever going to accept me.
Its a lightning strike for me when I heard this.
I don't know what to believe or what not to believe.
You never really tell me what you really feel.
I'm so curious and anxious.

What did I do wrong?
What else do you want from me?
What else you want me to do?
I really confused.

Now, what I want to make myself clear is that I always keep my word.
I had promised you that I'll become normal again and I'll do it.
But, it seems that all the effort been made are just worthless in your eyes.
Do you think that its easy to turn over a new leaf?
Currently, I admit that I did have some feel toward him but it doesn't mean anything.
But, if I really keep on being disappointed, I will not keep my word.
Even worse, I'll just come out of the closet.

Are you really like what she told me?
Is it true that you'll never consider me?
Is it impossible to have "we" between us?

If its really so, I don't mind you tell me directly.
For the time being, I still able to minimise my pain.
We can still remain friends.
But, I'll give my heart and soul to the one that appreciate it.
No matter the person would be a guy or girl.

I never did rush you to give me an answer, did I?
But, please, don't take me for granted.
I'm not a fool to be twisted here and there.
My heart is just as fragile as yours.

I hope whatever I think of is wrong.
All of these is just my misunderstanding.
But, are you?

Puzzle

2009-10-03T23:04:00.002+08:00

I feel like been given a big puzzle.
I think I should describe it as a maze.
I don't now which step to make or choose.
I just feel like I have to do this decision but I don't know how.
Somebody told me before,
"By not making a decision is making a decision."
I agreed with what she said.
Sometimes, I just feel like want to get away from this life.
I want to go to a place where there is no sorrow and frustration.

I had been searching the answer for quite a long time.
Why am I become the one I am today?
Why my life is like this?
Not that I am not satisfied with my current life, its just that I feel so wrong with my current life.

Its been a year I've never felt this feeling.
I didn't realise it until the last two days.
At first, I felt so familiar with this awkward feeling but I still don't get it.
Now, I understand. But, I'm afraid its too late.

I don't know why I will encounter this feel again.
Maybe this is a test for me.
A test to see whether I am able to back as a normal one again.
Well, frankly speaking, I am very afraid that I will fail this test.
It seems that I am growing that feeling very drastically.
I feel so empty. I feel so .. .. .. .. ..
None of the words can express my feeling.

This puzzle will take me quite some time to decode.

I'm sorry

2009-10-03T03:44:00.002+08:00

Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Tonight I'ld like to break my word, just for tonight.
I really can't stop myself from thinking of all the memories.
The pain had started to expand in me.
The sweet memories of me and him just keep on flow out.
I tried to control myself but I failed.
My tears started to fall again.
I've promise myself that my tears will never ever drop for him again.
I really can't stop all these things from happening.

However, I want you to know.
Honey, I really love you.
I'm doing my best to change myself.
Please have faith in me.
Please lead me out of this darkness.
I'm afraid of these impenetrable darkness.
I need you.
Please don't give up on me.
I'm sorry. He did bring up all my memories in the past.
I'm afraid, I really afraid, I afraid that I might .........
I might ......... grow some feel toward him.
I keep on saying to myself not to think of this.
But the more I refuse the more I think about this.
What should I do? I really scare.
I really scare of going back to the past.
Honey, please help me.
Please ... ... ... ... ... ...

Memories Flashback

2009-10-02T20:13:00.002+08:00

I'm so happy today.
Its like a total flashback of all past memories.
Thank you. Thanks to you.
I really appreciate it though you don't know that what you've done for me.
Memories with my beloved one really flow out like a burst dam.
I really enjoy today.
I felt like just yesterday.
How I wish I could have yesterday once more.
Though you had become a piece of my life history,
I still can't forget you.
I still feel the pain until today.

I still remember that day.
That day you had totally broke my heart into pieces.
Your cruelty had dragged me back to the reality.
I was sentenced into the depending doom.
My life had turned into eternal darkness.
Its an impenetrable darkness.
I was a walking corpse during that time.
I don't have any feeling at that time.
My tears streamed down my cheeks until I can no more feel them.
My eyes swollen as if I was going to blind.
When I was in school, I tried to control my feeling.
But I failed. My tears kept on streamed down until there was no more tears for me.
My friends were astonished that I've become so restless.
I didn't speak or share my burden with anybody.
My health started to deteriorate.
However, I tried to revive myself as soon as possible.
After three days, I came back normal in front of my friends even my parents.
But, deep in my heart, only God knew how hurt was I and the pain that I felt.
The excruciating pain in the heart......

Anyway, that's had all become a sheet of history.
I know that you'll never come back to my side.
I had been trying so hard to put all my heart pieces into one again.
The cracks in between can never be hidden.
They will always be there.
Luckily, I've found someone that I can lay my love on her.
Its hard for me to change in a night.
But, I did promise her that I'll do my best for her and myself.
I really hope that I'll succeed.
And wish that I won't ever turn back to my past again.
I pray that my rational is always there to assist me.

Memories will always stay as memories ..........
Though we're far apart now .........
But we had once be together and lived happily before .........
Wish you have a better and happier life .........

Work harder

2009-10-02T00:05:00.002+08:00

What is going on with you?
Honey, I'm trying my biggest effort to help you in your study.
But, you, you keep on give me negative response.
No matter how eager i am or how enthusiastic I am,
I somehow will feel tired too.
I don't know whether is it me that don't work hard enough or its you that just don't know how to appreciate my effort.

Anyway, I will work harder.
This is for you my honey.

Stupid BIATCH!!! ~

2009-09-30T22:51:00.002+08:00

I'm so damn angry today!
That stupid BIATCH better don't make up explode!!
If not, she'll die from my super eruption!!!

I'll still tolerate for the time being.
If the condition doesnt change, I can't promise that I won't explode!!!
Better watch out!!
Grrrr............ >.<

Accept the truth

2009-09-30T22:24:00.002+08:00

Although its kind of heart aching, I still have to accept it.
I'm so taken away by the feeling that I've actually owned you.
But, today, someone had bring me back to the reality.
Now I realised that we never have really been together.
Its only my world of fantasy.
I accepted the truth but I somehow feel sad within.
Anyway, I know that I love you and that won't change.

想了又想

2009-09-27T02:16:00.001+08:00

想了又想~
听了又听~
看了又看~

还是想不出一个答案。。。

mIss yOu o~ ^^

2009-09-22T01:05:00.001+08:00

Haiz...
I felt so happy to be home.
Lastly I'm here lying on my warm bed.
But, I just can't stop from thinking of my honey.
How are you back at your hometown?
Are you happy? I'm sure you are.
Are you having fun? I'm sure you are too.

Well, I guess I'll be meeting you next week.
Can't wait to see you.
Love you so much~
*muackssss* ^^

mIss...inG + s@d...inG

2009-09-20T00:37:00.003+08:00

Since the day you enter my circle of life,
I've started to depend on you.
You've become my inner strength.
As you leaving for your home sweet home,
I can't do anything about it but just to let you go.
I was surprised that you didn't even send me a message when you left.
I know your style, but I just can't stop of feeling sad.
I always think of my importance to you.
Am I an important person to you?
Or I'm just another stranger who pass by?
Who am I to you?
I really curious about this.
My heart just can't stop of thinking all these.
And my heart never stop from missing you.
I felt so regret that I couldn't watch the movie with you.

Tears stream down as I wrote this.
I don't know what's the meaning of these falling pearls.
Are they falling because I miss you?
Or they fall because I'm happy to go home?
Or its because of the uncertainty felt in my heart?
I don't have the answer.

Jealousy

2009-09-17T02:42:00.002+08:00

Why people are inborn with the feeling of jealousy?
Does it plays any important role in our daily life?
Is there any contribution done by jealousy?

How I wish that I don't have the feeling of jealousy.
This feeling is driving me crazy.
I tried to control but I just hardly manage to brought it down.
The flame of jealousy just keep on eagerly fired up.
I felt like I'm the stupidiest person on Earth.
I don't know why I'll ever fall for a girl like her.

Now, I can understand why her boyfriend felt so insecure.
I starting to know that kind of feeling.
Whenever I saw her and other guys having some intimations,
my eyes are burning with the fire of jealousy.
And what was aching my heart even more is she likes to talk the good of other guys.
Not that I want to restrict her for her own rights, but its made me felt like I'm worthless.
Anyway, I've been doing my best to help her in anyway that I possibly could.
I'll just wish for a betterment after this.

School life

2009-09-16T16:05:00.002+08:00

Well, frankly speaking, I felt damn bored in this college.

My life was just wandering around there.

Every morning I'll just wake up andgo to school.

Listen to somehow boring classes.

I felt terribly wrong.

Its not the life that I want.

I thought that my life here will be something exciting for me.

But I was wrong.

I felt like I'm just wasting my time here.

However, I've to get rid of that perception.

Since I've made up my mind to be here,

I've to move on with it.

I'll never break my own my principles.

Anyway, I think I'll find out some ways to make my life interesting.

And I know what are just the right things for me.

Exhaustion+Tiring

2009-09-12T02:05:00.002+08:00

I felt so tired.
I've been busying with the work and assignments in college.
Plus, my social life was a bit unbalanced.
Well, what I mean by unbalance is wake up early in the morning (+/- 6am) and I sleep also early in the morning (+/- 3am).
So, what am I expecting?
I think my body started to give out warning signals.
I think I must change. But, how?
Anyway, I will always try to maintain my mental and physical strength.

You said it

2009-09-11T05:47:00.000+08:00

Finally, the words that I'm scared of had come out one by one from your mouth.
You said you felt huge stress and pressure when with me.
You afraid that I'll hate you because you're not of my standard.
But, I'm going to tell you that you are wrong.
I'm the one felt that I'm not suitable for you.
I'm scared that my intelligence will become the obstacle which preventing us from being together.
And it did happened to be so.
I knew that you had set your own goal to achieve before agreeing to be with me.
I understood your self-demand but please let me help you.
Let us work together for our future.
I knew you didn't like when I talked about guys and looked at them.
Actually, I've been doing all of these is just to get your attention.
I don't want your attention to focus on other guys.
I surely do like guys but I've promised you that I'll change myself.
Then I'll keep my word. My heart had already being occupied by you.
There is no place left for other person.
I hoped you can trust me on this.
I'm trying my best to resist the temptation.
I admit that I really have the urge to kiss when i saw the juicy lips.
But, I just said it. I've never done it in front of you and not even back.
Just trust me baby...
I really need that...

A big crack? A U-turn?

2009-09-09T23:58:00.002+08:00

What am I going to do now?
My social life has some crack appearing.
Will all the things fall apart?
I'm so worry.
Is there a U-turn for me to make things better?
My mind is getting congested with problems and troubles.
I scare that I'll make myself go loose.
Just give me any bright solutions in the dream...

I don't have patience?

2009-09-07T21:00:00.002+08:00

Well, I'm not sure whatever you've told me.
And I don't think that everything you've said about me is true.
I didn't have patience? Are you sure?
I think I've the most patience I can give you.
Within this two months time, did I ever demand you for anything?
I've never demand you for anything.
All I asked from you is just to study harder for your own sake.
Have I ever told you that I'm veery jealous when you're close with other guys?
No, I've never stop you from doing anything that you want.
Whoever you want to make friends with, I've nothing to say.
That's your own freedom.
But, deep in my heart, I've become a tank full with jealousy.
What can I do? I can do nothing.

If I don't have the patience, you will be dead by now.
If I don't have the patience, I won't be talking with you now.
If I don't have the patience, I won't waste my time on you even one more second.
If I don't have the patience, I won't love you anymore.

So, you still think that I don't have patience?
You better think twice.
My heart and soul will only be given to those who appreciate them.
So, don't try me.
Once I've made up my mind to leave you,
you won't get me back.
Not even with a Ferrari.
You better understand my words.

Availablity

2009-09-07T01:44:00.002+08:00

I've confirmed the question that puzzled within me for quite a time.
Now you are available.
I know you didn't do it just because of me.
But, I'm very happy because your status are clear now.
I know that you don't want others to know about this.
So, I'll respect your wish.
I'm very happy and thank you for telling me this.
Love you... ^^

Flame of love

2009-09-06T03:57:00.002+08:00

Is the flame growing or dying?
I don't know.
I tried to maintain the flame.
But, it seems to slowly dying out.
What should I do?
I really hope that I can find a way to rejuvenate the flame.
The reason for the dying flame I think most probably is because I couldn't find the similarity of thought between us.
You have your own points of view and I have my own which are totally none in similarity.
I've been thinking hard about our future of being together.
Will our realtionship stand long?
I have no answer for that.
Sometimes, I even have the thought of giving up.
The flame, its obviously is dying.
And the rate of dying is getting faster and faster.
I hope you really have the thought of being together.
I don't think I will have the enough patience and strength to hold for any much longer.
The temptations of other are getting greater within me.
You can just told me if you prefer to do anything.
Please consider this matter seriously.
I don't want to linger around without directions.
To be frank, I don't want to waste my time on hopeless relationship.
I had bad experiences on this matter.
I used to wait a girl for 3 years but I got nothing at the end.
The pain and torturing emotions during the period are excruciating.
I absolutely don't want to be in that situation again.
I'm begging you for the one last time.
Just give me the hope and courages for me to keep the flame alight.
I couldn't guarantee that the flame won't go off.
It might survive or just vanish into the thin air.
The time waits for no one.
The clock is ticking and I need you answer.
So... consideration has to take place now.
And final decision has to be made in a short period.

I'm waiting...
Waiting for the final answer...
Whether it demands for my extinction or existance...

Two months...

2009-09-05T13:48:00.003+08:00

I've left home for two months.
Though it seems not long ago from the day I left.
Times past so swift that I didn't even realise.
I seldom brought up the matter of missing home.
However, deep in my heart, I missed my home so much.
Its been a long time I didn't see their faces.
I missed my dad and my mum.
and I missed my sister so much.
I could always listen to their voices but couldn't see their faces.
Sometime, I felt so lonely here.
I want to be at home so eagerly.
I wished I can be at home.
But. I knew that I'm here for my dream.
I've to do my best to prove that I've made the right choice.
But, I missed my home so much.
And all of my friends back in my hometown.
I can't go back very frequently as the tickets back to my hometown quite expensive.
I didn't know how are they now.
Are they good? Are they having problems?
Sometimes, words just can't express the emotions.
How I wished I can be backed at home now...

Frustration and disappointment

2009-09-04T03:16:00.003+08:00

I felt much frustrated and disappointed.
I tried my best to assist you.
But, you seem not to be giving co-operation.
I don't know whether its my problem or yours.
If you think that I'm not good enough for you,
then just tell me.
I'll stop everything.
If you prefer somebody else to teach you,
then just say it to me.
I don't mind who you learnt from.
What I care about is you did learn something.
I don't want you to waste your precious time and money.
Not your money, but your parents hard earned money.
I really hoped you can concentrate more on your studies rather than just wandering around and live your life.
I know that maybe I'm harsh to you.
But, I really wish you do understand my purpose of saying those words.
I really want you to at least make your parents proud of you.
Honey, I really don't know what else should I do to help you.
I'm puzzled. I wanted to help but I just don't know how.
I wanted to teach you but you seem not interested.
I can't help you if you don't help yourself first.
I'm not demanding you to be a very clever person.
I'm just hope that you learned from what you have invested your money and time in this course.
Not to say fully 100%, but at least 20%...

Honey, I always by your side whenever you need me...

Huge upset and furious

2009-09-02T16:06:00.002+08:00

I'm so upset and furious.
I'm very very furious.
What is wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
I don't understand at all.
At first, you ask me to make decision on which side to choose.
Then, I gave the answer.
But, you said you didn't believe the answer that I gave.
So, what does this mean?
I've gave you the answer but you did't believe it.
So, why did you ask me for the answer?
It'ld be better if you just made the decision yourself.
You think that I've made up my mind so easily?
I've to sacrifice the thing that I've been doing for years.
And why should I? I did it all just because of you.
But, you didn't appreciate it.
Even you said that it'ld be impossible for me!
What I need from you is just support.
I can't do this alone. I'll need your support to lead me through this obstacle.
But, you really made me disappointed.
I felt so frustrated with you been treating me like this.
I hated it! I felt so terrible!
Why is it so hard to understand me?
Is the gap so huge between me and you?
My mind is crowded with thousands of questions now.
What should I do with you now?

Decision

2009-09-02T09:06:00.002+08:00

Yesterday my loved one had given me a very tough question and huge decision to make.
Now, how should I decide?
This will definitely a serious thoght of me as it involve the rest of my life.
But, I think I have the sufficient wisdom for me to make a wise decision.

Stressful week

2009-09-01T07:07:00.002+08:00

Starting this week
it'll be very stressful
as my first mid-term test is just around the corner
I'll be having a french test today
Hopefully I can pass well

I think I've to plan my schedule for the following weeks
with extra concern as not to neglect entertainment and studies
So I think less on entertainment and more on studies
will be a certain one
As long as I can perform well
Then I've no regret to go back my hometown for Hari Raya
except for one thing...
I'll have to separate with my lovely wife for a week... xp

想念

2009-08-31T01:53:00.002+08:00

坐在空档的房间里面
望着窗外
看着徘徊的云朵
像是看穿我心底的
澎湃的心情

我好想念你
想念你想到快发疯
好想现在就出现在你眼前

你现在在做什么呢？
有在想念我吗？

我托夜晚的风
带着我给你的祝福
与我对你的思念
从我这儿
飞到你那儿

当你在睡梦中
脸颊感觉到
微微被夜风
吻过你的脸颊
那代表
你收到了我
给你的一切

晚安。。。

When you're gone

2009-08-29T02:45:00.002+08:00

You had left me here alone.
Though it was just for only about 5 hours
I've started to miss you.
I felt so awkward when you're not around.
But, I know you'll be back somehow.
So, that's give me the power to going on with my life.

"waiting for you... I'm waiting for you... waiting for you kiss me at the night..."

phew...

2009-08-28T16:15:00.004+08:00

Phew.... thank God my group had at least finish the presentation for the student package

I was so angry to find out that my speaker was put into mute state.

And I was very furious that my team had only about 30 minutes.

Although the time was sufficient, the awareness of time constraint had built up a huge stress atmosphere among the group members.

Though I'm stressed too, I still had to bring away the atmosphere.

I felt bad as I couldn't do the best of mine during the presentation as I was kind of brought away by the current of anger.

Now I'ld have to prepare for my honeymoon package presentation thoroughly.

Hopefully my team will do the best for the presentation.

What stage are we both in now?

2009-08-28T12:35:00.002+08:00

Though I'm not rushing with the time
I'm quite curious with our state of relationship
I spent almost the whole day with her
Even in college and hostel
But I can't visualise the future of us
As I couldn't clear out our current relation state
You stil have your own romance
And I still have my own
So, what's going to happen between us?
Should I close down my romance 1st?
Should I wait until you shut down your romance?
Or should I just take it easy and go on with the flow?

You're Heart That I Obsessed

2009-08-23T22:18:00.002+08:00

I hope you understand one thing, my dear.
I love you is not because you are pretty.
I love you is not because you are rich.
I love you is not because your nice figure.

I LOVE YOU because of your heart and soul.
I'm attracted to you because you have the smile that warms my heart.
I'm attracted to you because you have the laughter that melts my heart.
I'm attracted to you because I know you are meant for me.
I'm attracted to you because I just fall for you.

So, be clear now...
Not that I don't have the patience to wait...
Why I am so keen and eager...
Its because I'm obsessed for that heart inside you
which is the elixir of me...
I need you... need the pouring of love from you...
to nourish me....
So that I could survive...
That's all that I need...
Your Heart... ~.~

WHY?

2009-08-23T01:18:00.001+08:00

Why?
That's the question.
Why?
That's the word make me furious.
Why?
That's make me sad.
Why?
That's make found the meaning of life...

Exhaustion and Tiring

2009-08-22T18:41:00.002+08:00

I feel so tired now.
I don't even know what the problem is.
I've done my best to know and understand her in the shortest time.
I think I've completed 70%.
But, it seems that I'm the only one is trying to get this relationship right.
I dont know why she like to act in such a way that make me feel so irritated.
No doubt that I love her very much.
However, she is keep on trying my patience.
I didn't even mention that I need her to be very clever.
What is she so scared of?
Will I dislike her just because she wasn't clever enough?
My heart is tiring...
Slowly losing its motion...
I just hope that our realtionship can go both way and not I'm the only one giving out everything.
Not that I don't have the patience to wait... I can wait as long as she want if that is what she want.
But, the problem is I don't feel any returning from her.
Should I keep on? Should I stop?
I don't know.

?? I don't understand ??

2009-08-20T10:48:00.002+08:00

I don't understand.
What is she trying to tell me?
Is she giving me the sign that we are impossible?
Is she telling me to stop hoping for something more than friends between me and her?
I don't know.
I'm eager to clear it out.
But, in the meantime, I'm afraid.
Afraid of the cruelty of reality.
What if she said that she and I are impossible?
What if she said that she don't have any feeling towards me?
What if she said that she felt uncomfortable of me and want me to stay away?
If these happen, then what should I do?
Should I cry?
Should I laugh?
Should I just stay away?
What am I going to do?
I need some guides now...

Sorry~

2009-08-19T02:26:00.002+08:00

I know that sometime I'm harsh to you.
I just can't hold my emotion.
The anger keep on building in my heart.
When I saw you with him,
I just can't stop from jealousing.
I know I shouldn't but I just... I just can't control myself!!

I'm really sorry that I'm being so rude to you in the study room.
I felt so bad afterwards. I felt like I'm the most foolish, idiotic person in this world!!
I'm very sorry for treating you such a way.
I can't stop from getting angry with myself.

When we were in the study room,
its not that I don't want to talk.
Its just I don't know how to talk to you.
I don't know whether should I just apologise or what!
My brain go blanks when I look into your eyes.
I can't control my mind when I saw your smile.
I just go numb!

Thank you for forgiving me.
I really grateful and appreciate that.
I promise that I won't do it again.
[p/s:if u dun made me crazy again!]

Just one last thing before I sleep...
I wanted to tell you this since the day I realised...
I love you...

失恋 - 配备与期限

2009-08-15T01:31:00.004+08:00

[Dedicated to my "ka zhe"]

当这段感情结束后
该为此而伤心吗
该为此而流泪吗
是的
伤心与流泪
是失恋的配备
但这配备的使用期
又有多久呢
永远吗

时间真的会是
疗伤的最佳良药吗
并不是
时间无法医治
心里受到的伤害
只能慢慢的
只能淡淡的
暂时遗忘
当记忆的锁
打开了
回忆又再次从现

三天
是我给自己的期限
眼泪
也尽情地在这三天
不断的滑落
第三天的11:59pm
我将会为这段感情
掉下最后一滴泪
为它画上句号

未来
还在等着我
一步一脚印
开拓美好的世界

How to win her heart?

2009-08-14T16:03:00.002+08:00

This has been a confusing question for me.

I've being thinking again and again.

I don't know whether what should I do to win her heart.

Is it something wrong with me?

I don't know what should I do to make her feel happy.

I felt so stupid when I was facing her.

I felt like I'm not the one suitable for her.

Her smile is the main attraction to me.

Whenever I'm troubled with 1001 question,

all will vanish into the thin air as I look into her laughter...

She can be really childish and naive, sometimes.

But, that's what I like about her.

Her world is so simple and full of happiness.

And what make me love her even more is

when she can suddenly give me brilliant ideas

which didn't even cross in my mind

Its this kind of personality that she owned

made me gone mad about her

made me love her even more and more

She is my world.

She is my mental support.

She is everything to me.

I can't think of any consequences of losing her.

She don't have to love me,

but she can't stop me from loving her from the bottom of my heart...

Germination stopped~

2009-08-13T21:58:00.002+08:00

I dont know why.
Maybe i'm just not good enough.
If i say that i dont feel sad, then i'm lying.
But, what can i do?
I can do nothing. I just can do my best to win her heart.
The road will be very tough.
But, no matter how rough is the road, how hard is the obstacle, ...
I'll do my best and change myself towards a better person.

Am I right?

2009-08-11T22:29:00.004+08:00

Keep on asking myself...

Am i on the right track?

Have i made the correct decision?

How should i find out about that?

But, there's something that i feel so lucky to be here.

That is i found the one that i would like to give

my heart and soul...

she certainly is the one...

Germinating seed~

2009-08-10T04:59:00.002+08:00

Wow... something awkward is happening.
I think its happening.
The seed of love is germinating. >////<
There is a girl.
I never thought that I would actually fall for her.
But I had actually did fall for her.
Oh my gosh~ She is just flawless.
Her beauty is impeccable.
Her smile is breathtaking.
Her childishness stole my heart away.
The arrow of cupid had just shot my heart.
But, its just merely on the surface.
The strange thing happened.
My heart is throbbing to make the arrow go deeper...
Deeper and deeper...
What does this mean?
Does my heart have allocated a place for her?
What I am really sure is I'm very happy to have her beside me. ^^

混乱~

2009-08-05T23:05:00.003+08:00

整个脑海里，浮现的都是混乱。
我现在的感觉，好错乱。
到底我所做的一切，是对的，还是错的？
如果是对的，我为什么感觉那么的不愉快？
如果是错的，那我又错在哪儿了呢？
我到底应该怎么办呢？
也许，我个人的经历，对某些人而言，是个出奇的事情。
但，对我而言，这些经历让我产生了自相矛盾的观念。
太开放，会让人觉得我是个放荡的人。
太保守，又让人觉得我是不合群的人。
太多话，也让人觉得我很厌烦。
太冷淡，就让人觉得我很骄傲。
那，平衡点在哪儿呢？
若我能找到平衡点，是否就会改变一切呢？
这，只会制造更多的疑问，让我自己懊恼。
思考，静思，这些真的有效吗？
真的能帮助我解决疑问吗？
永远都只会有更多的“？”…………

愚愛

2009-08-03T14:31:00.003+08:00

愛情它是種什么東西讓人歡喜
叫人傷心有些人別拿它當作游戲一但迷失無法抗拒
它的世界讓人無法看清愛的是你
痛的仍然是你還有誰又甘心為了這種愛情再痛一次
誰是那個傻傻心甘情愿的人恨我就是
愛你愛得心好累
你讓我疲憊為你我快要崩潰
你讓我傷悲為了
你我寧愿再愛一回享受這愚愛的滋味
愛你愛得心好累
你讓我疲憊為你學會去面對
我不曾后退為了
你我寧愿再愛一回享受這愚愛的滋味
愛情它是種什么東西讓人歡喜
叫人傷心有些人別拿它當作游戲一但迷失無法抗拒
它的世界讓人無法看清愛的是你
痛的仍然是你還有誰又甘心為了這種愛情再痛一次
誰是那個傻傻心甘情愿的人恨我就是
愛你愛得心好累
你讓我疲憊為你我快要崩潰
你讓我傷悲為了你我寧愿再愛一回享受這愚愛的滋味
愛你愛得心好累
你讓我疲憊為你學會去面對
我不曾后退為了你我寧愿再愛一回享受這愚愛的滋味
愛你愛得心好累
你讓我疲憊為你我快要崩潰
你讓我傷悲為了你我寧愿再愛一回享受這愚愛的滋味
愛你愛得心好累
你讓我疲憊為你學會去面對
我不曾后退為了你我寧愿再愛一回享受這愚愛的滋味
享受這愚愛的滋味
享受這愚愛的滋味

爱情非游戏

2009-08-03T13:52:00.003+08:00

"爱情不是游戏，因为我玩不起它。爱是真心付出，要忘记真的做不到。不管归处将是哪里，我想都该在心底留有一份纯真的美好。从来没有轻易对别人动心，突然发现自己深深地爱上了你，那种滋味真是难以用言语表达，是喜悦？是悲哀？你叫我忘记，难道爱说收就可以收得回吗？可以的话也不叫爱了"

[copied from 天空之城]

我本人超赞成他所写的！！！
你们认为呢？我读了之后觉得好感动哦~就像是找到知音一样~

爱~

2009-08-01T23:17:00.002+08:00

爱，没那么简单。爱，它真的没那么简单。我，是多么多么地想要拥有它。
但它，从不停留在我身边。好羡慕，真的好羡慕，羡慕那些可以拥有爱的人。
但，可恨的是，他们不珍惜爱的存在。他们不相信爱的能量。
我，见识过了爱的能量。它，是这世上最强大的力量。
它，可以改变一个人的人生。
因为它，人类对生活从满了斗志。
因为它，人类必须尝尽酸甜苦辣，悲哀，欢喜，幸福与痛苦。
因为它，人类互相爱恋，同时互相残杀。
虽然它是那么的残酷，我仍然想要拥有它，因为它，我才感受到自己的存在。

Starting to get well~

2009-08-01T20:19:00.000+08:00

Phew... I'm glad that those medicine actually worked.
At least I can actually confirmed myself that I didn't get a dengue fever or H1N1 fever.
Hopefully I'm able to get myself to school this monday.
I'll have to prepare my mc as i absent for the two subjects last friday~
Anyway... I think I'll be back to normal as usual.

OMG!!! I'm sick!!!

2009-07-29T21:15:00.000+08:00

Haiz... feels not very good.
Whole body feel like a bit numb.
Feel so terrible...
I cant even walk properly...
I feel like the earth is turning around me...
Feel so dizzy...
Really awful....
Hopefully I'll get well soon~

Mood swinging~

2009-07-29T13:15:00.000+08:00

I don't know what is happening within myself.
Its feel very weird and awkward.
I don't like this kind of feel.
I accidentally upset my friends.
I don't really mean it but I just don't know why!
Mood swinging within me had become worse than last time.
I'm still in the progress to reveal the answer.
I hope I have the enough time to figure it out before anything goes on.
I'll do my best to control my own mood.
x_x

Strange Atmosphere~

2009-07-27T00:52:00.000+08:00

Its kinda odd tonight in the hostel~
The atmosphere was so depressing~
Its seems like something wrong had happened.
The guards behaved so weirdly.
Usually they are very friendly.
Tonight they have been very strict to everyone.
After 12am, there's no more TV.
I'm very curious to find out what had actually happened.
But, I think I might as well just keep quiet.
Well, tonight really make me depressed yet not very depressed as I knew a new friend.
She is an energetic person and very active. She is very cheerful though.
She owns a very contagious laugh which easily make me laugh.
Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to have the english class. A very exhausting yet funny class.
Its time to go to bed now. Dada~ ^^

Sweet 18~

2009-07-19T16:54:00.000+08:00

hehe... my sweet 18 birthday~ [18/07]

go celebrate for whole day...

day time go wif frens.. nite time go wif cousins...

Happy Birthday To Myself!!! ^O^

Bahasa Malaysia~

2009-07-16T10:34:00.000+08:00

Hi~ its been a long time...

Now, how come i would want to write about "Bahasa Malaysia"?

This is because i've read on an article in The Sun newspaper.

The article is an interview with award-winner writer Uthaya Sankar.The thing that caught my attention is he has been ask frequently on "why you speak so good in Bahasa Malaysia?".

Now, i've met the same condition before when i went for camps or programmes out of my school. Usually, natives people or our Malay friends even my own Chinese friends will ask me, "Wow, you speak very well in BM. How can it be?" Well... frankly speaking, i felt like tumbling when i heard this question. I was thinking why this kind of question was given to me. I mean, I'm a Malaysian. There's shouldn't be anything extraordinary about being able to talk in BM, right? But, it did happen. They felt like " Wow, a chinese can speak like a Malay. What an odd thing to see!!"

Based on the history subject i've learnt during my secondary school which was a compulsory subject, if i'm not mistaken, Bahasa Malaysia has became our national and official language since independence. So, what's so wrong or abnormal about when a malaysian like me can speak well in BM. Although i'm a chinese, mandarin is the third language for me to learn. Honestly, English is my 1st academically learnt language while Bahasa Malaysia is the 2nd and Mandarin is the 3rd. I've been mingle around with malay friends sice i was a kid. My childhood friends were Indians and Malays. I've only made friends with Chinese when i enter primary school.

What i want to say is this is what our country suppose to be. All races live in harmony. I've malay, chinese, indian, and siam friends. I can communicate well with all of them. I think its time for us to think again and deeply about the future of our country. People or society is the main ingredient in a country. Without people, there won't be any country.

Well, actually i'm quite puzzled with the language system of BM. As i recalled, the term "Bahasa Melayu" and "Bahasa Malaysia" had been vice versa converted many times during my primary and secondary education. Bahasa Melayu is the national language, then Bahasa Malaysia? If its the national language of Malaysia, then why can't it be Bahasa Malaysia? This is the question been discussed among my friends. I mean, if its called Bahasa Malaysia, its fair to everyone because we all are malaysian. But, when its called Bahasa Melayu, it sounds like the other races are not malaysian. They are just foreigners who are learning the language of natives people or the Bumiputra's.

Anyway, that's just my point of views. I would like to encourage my friends especially chinese, please master Bahasa Malaysia, for the sake of our ownselves. For students, we need excellent grade for BM to apply for scholarship or further studies in Malaysia. For non-students, we need to socialise and communicate in this country with various people. Lastly, we need to know our own national language because we are MALAYSIAN.

Equal Right between Men and Women

2009-07-10T06:12:00.000+08:00

For decades, people has keep on bring up this issue.

In our past time, men used to have higher status in social hierachy.

Men seems to dominise all the important aspects either it be the leaders of a country to the master of a family.

So, women seems to be useless in those time which they are of no value.

However, people started to oppose this unbalanced condition between men and women.

In their propaganda, they indicate that women deserved to have their own rights and should not be under look by men. They proposed that men and women should have equal right in all aspects. However, how far does this had been going on?

For me, a teenager, what i've seen is the situation is still remained unbalanced. Undeniable, women had came out to be an important asset in human development. However, when we talked about equal right, i think its never going to happen.

Why do i say that? This is because some roles hold by men cannot be replaced or done by women and vice versaly, there are roles that can only perform by women and not men. Nature has already set up its own system where men and women completed each other.

Now, maybe what i'm going to write will seem to be naive by someone, but its what i think. In school, girls always shout for equal right. But, when it comes to harsh work or exhausting work, they will use the excuse of we boys should be gentlemen. What is this crap?! I mean, when comes to issues that girls don't satisfy, they will start shouting for equal right between boys and girls. What is this suppose to mean? Business, national development, human development have to include the participation of women, but women have to be excluded from doing any hard works. This is ridiculous. If girls want to prove that they can do whatever men could, then please prove it completely. Please don't use the excuse where men should be gentlemen to escape from your responsiblities. Girls demand for equal right, so take it. We'll have to bear equal job, equal work and equal status.

This is not the matter of boys should or should not be gentlemen to ladies. Of course we boys will lend our hands when you girls need help, but it does not mean that we boys have to do everything while you girls can take your own sweet time gossiping and have your drinks.

Anyway, I know most of the girls will disagree if they read this. But, anyhow, i wish someday, things will change as i could not take it anymore!!

Gathering before leaving~

2009-07-08T00:09:00.000+08:00

well... that's the picture we took at kfc~
capturing the last moment...
with all the smiles that warmed my heart~
i'm sure i won't be lonely when i'm there~
haha... its hard to say goodbye...
but you know i know...
we'll always be friends no matter how far or how long we are far apart...

Hair restriction~

2009-07-06T04:36:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, i've heard something contradict on this issue.
Before that, i'm so curious of the purpose of setting up this hair restriction.
I always been thinking that what does the impact so huge with the hair that makes the school/ministry to set up this rule.

I think the time has come for us to review this problem.
The most common reason given by the authority is the hair restriction was set up with the purpose of avoiding students to spend too much time on fashioning with the hairstyle.
Now, here comes the question. If that would be the reason, so why is the disciplinary teachers so particular of the students hair and demand them to trim their hair frequently as to maintain the standard guide? This scene happened almost everyday in front of my eyes where lots of students being called up just because of their hairs are just a little bit over the standard guide.
Where is the rational of this action? Students attend school to study and learn. But, when they've been called up to the discplinary room or being hold by the disciplinary teachers, they are losing their time for study. So, how could this rule being benificial to the students?

Next, as this rule has been implemented, it became a burden for students. As we all know, hairs can grow rapidly. How much time does the hairs need to grow after the trim? 1 month? However, due to this rule, students have to always keep in mind that they are bounded by the rule whereby every month they have to trim their hair according to the standard guide. Is the burden, pressure and stress faced by a student is insufficient? Is this rule that important and necessary to be implemented? But, what i can see is just that, because of this rule, students had been added with unnecessary pressure. If the rule is set up to prevent students to put too much attention on the hair style, i don't see how is it working if students have to bear in mind that they are needed to trim their hairs once a month. I'm the ex-president of the counselling club in SMCC. Students had always approached me and told me that they're sick of this rule. Some of the students even play truant just to avoid their hairs been trimmed by the school authority. Is this the effect that we want from the rule? If there's nothing different with existance of the rule, then i might as well just abolish the rule. So, again, how is the rule being helping in improving the students achievement in academic and self-development?

Furthermore, i, myself, a teenager can always understand why some of the students tend to be rebellious on this issue. During this age, teenagers are in the process of translation/metamorphosis of a child towards an adult. Some of them will reach puberty where the appearance will start to change. Its normal for everyone love beauty. Everyone wish to present themseleves in the prettiest look including teenagers. So, what's so wrong of having fashioned hairstyle? Is it wrong to make ourselves look nicer? Is it wrong to turn ourselves into a beauty? We should look this matter optimistically. With a good appearance, students can actually build up their own self-confidence in facing the crowds. As we are walking towards globalisation, we needs creativity in every aspects. Why don't we see this as one of the way to promote creativity among students? Thus, the rule should stop being enforced by the school.

Apart from that, some students approached me and give me one simple question which i couldn't answer them, until now. "Why not every schools enforces this rule? I see some of the students from other school like SMK or High School, they can have their own hairstyles. Why our school has to enforce this rule while they don't?" Well... you see my trouble now. What should i answer them? They were unlucky to study in this school? Of course this won't be the answer. Students in our school have always been envy of them. The jealousy within them increased highly that resulted in the rebellious attitude of the students on this issue. So, why is this happening? How come there are schools that enforced in full forces on this rule but some don't? It shouldn't be happening this way, should it? However, nobody stand up and clear the puzzling questions in the students' mind. They'll only know how to avoid the question but never confronted it. This will never end.

Currently, i'm a F6 student. I've once ask my friends why wouldn't they choose to continue their study in F6. Astonishingly, one of the reasons is they don't want to be bounded by this sickening rule anymore. From this, we can see how had the rule affect students mind for 6 years and 5 years with a total of 11 years in elementary school and secondary school. Is this what the school and ministry hoping and wishing for to happen? The self development of students had shown negative impact by the rule. Shouldn't students being given the rights for their own appearance? Where is our human right?

In conclusion, its time for the abolishment of the hair restriction for secondary school students. We deserved to own our rights.

the end is approaching...

2009-07-06T04:01:00.000+08:00

Well... though i'm sad to say it
bt it seems tat i've come to the end of my F6 life...
i cant deny... within jz tis 1 1/2 months...
i've a lot pieces of memory~
there are happy, exhausting, annoying, foolish memories...
somehow... i actually never hate "the person" that i used to tell my friends
if they know who i'm talking about...
i dont know what is my image inside my new friends' hearts~
[hopefully its good]
bt anyway... from the bottom of my heart... i'm glad to know these people~
they somehow opened my eyes for a bigger world...
sometimes, human might forget their natural ability to suit themselves in whatever conditions~
i, myself forgot.
When i entered SMCH, i felt like i was entering a whole new world.
Its became even worse when i was the monitor of the class.
I mean, hey, i wasn't an ex-student of SMCH, how should i know all the rules and regulations, plus the school working system.
Well, here comes the role of the natural ability, i just have to start learning everything from the basic.
Though i'm in a different school, the system doesn't differ much with my previous school.
Thanks to my experiences, i wasn't afraid to hold this job.
Its just a post of "monitor"! This won't frighten me.
But, i discovered that there is some differences in the culture between the two school [CH & CC].
Mostly the behaviour of the students.
I'll have to admit that CH produced quite a number of excellent students which far more than CC, academically.
However, from the aspect of social communication between human, students in CH seems to be weaker than students in CC. The interaction between students in CH doesn't reflect the relationship where they are from the same school.
For an example, in my class, which consists of 52 person in the beginning, it seems that students from CC couldn't mingle around with CH students. I think this problem wasn't happened in this year only. From my point of view, students from CC seems to be frightened or embarassed to communicate with students from CH. There is a strange reaction between the two groups of pupil in the atmosphere. For students from CC, they stick together in a group where this phenomena is normal as they knew each other from the previous school. However, i discovered something interesting. Students from CH don't pack up in a group as what happened to CC students. They seems to have different groups and it looks like there's the presence of social hierachy where the brilliants on top and the average at the bottom.
I apologized to my classmates for using our class as an example.
The scenes that happened everyday in class just gave me the urge to unveil the secret of the phenomena. Until now, i'm still wondering what is the cause of this problem.
Although i'll be leaving soon, so soon that i might not have time to understand the reason for the problem.
However, time is the remedy for the problem. I sincerely hope that this huge iceberg would somehow break down one day and unite all the pupils in the class and even the school.
Anyway, i'll be around the school for maybe two more days then its time for me to leave...

1st post~

2009-07-05T22:24:00.000+08:00

finally...
i've set up a blog for my own~
well... tis will be replacing my old diary~
Welcome to the digital world... ^^