New Return

Wow, its been a really long time since my last post.

There's been a lot of things happen in the past few months.

And, now I'm back to KDU again.

I wonder what my future looks like.

Welcome back to myself!

不只是朋友

你从不知道
我想做的不只是朋友
还想有那么一点点自私的占有


不只是朋友
那又在期待什么呢?

自己？

“自己”
这两个字对我来说，真的实在是好沉好沉……

做自己，真得那么容易吗？
常常听别人说：“做自己就好了！不需要顾虑别人的眼光！”
但要做到这样，又谈何容易。

我，根本就是个活生生的谎话。
一直被谎话所包装的我，又如何做自己呢？
我很想做自己，但我不能！
有些事，真的无法回头。

我很想不管一切的做自己。
但，只要看见未来的我，真正的我，我无法做自己了。

最近，也许是看到了太多，竟然触景伤情了起来。
想到一路来的我，就觉得我活得，也未免太空虚了吧。
一切的一切，就只有谎话。

真实的回忆，又有什么呢？
我真的很想你……
你为什么当初可以那么的残忍？
难道我就真的那么不值得你去爱吗？
那一句……就那一句：“No!"
让我的心，彻彻底底的碎了！

你的忽冷忽热，对我来说，是无比的残酷！
我的爱，就这样的，被你糟蹋了！

做自己？每当我听到这句话时，我会不禁的冷笑。
世上，能真的做自己的人，又有几个呢？
每一个人，都是围绕着谎言。
所谓的现实也都是谎言。

我，什么都不是，只是玩具一个。
玩腻了，就会被遗弃。

身边的人，也只是为了自己的利益。
我，对他们而言，就如工具，得到胜利的工具。
生锈了，我就会被遗忘。

一个人，栽下面具，独自在黑暗里落泪。
孱孱留下后，又把面具戴上。

原来我，什么都不是，什么都没有。

I feel so annoyed!!!

What on earth would a guy behave like him?
Why cant he just settle things by himself?
And why cant he be just a little bit humble?

Im not a story listener and I dont have to if I dont want to.
What makes you think that I would have to listen to all your craps?
Your stories are so boring!!!
And yet you still think that you have hell of a great stories!!
OMG!!! Wake up man!!!

I mean why should I tolerate.
You have your own space and privacy.
Therefore, Im hoping the same for me from you.
But you have been interfering my life and my routine.
It makes me feel so irritated!!!

Damn it!!!
Im angry yet I've to hold my fire back!!!
5 more months to go...
Hope I do have that power to control myself!!!

=.="

好需要。。。

怎么办呢？
最近都觉得有点怪怪的。。
突然觉得自己好孤独噢~ T_T

好需要爱情噢~
是太久没得到爱情的滋润吗？
突然好羡慕周围的朋友。。
大家都有了属于自己的另一半。。
我呢？

还需要多久呢？
真的很希望自己可以快点找到让我幸福的人。。
哎哟。。。惨了啦~
真的觉得自己失心疯了啦~
爱情快快来。。。
好需要你。。。 >3

3 Months

Fuuhhh... 3 months had gone without me noticing.

Well, lets see what had happened in this short 3 months.

Firstly, of course I did move out from my hostel into a new house nearby college. I did busy for 2 weeks just to move all my stuffs. By that time, I realised that I had hell lots of stuffs. x.x
Anyway, I decorated the room in my way to make me feel at home. I did spend quite a sum of money to make it happen but at least I was happy with the outcome. I couldn't really get myself adapted at the first night. Everything just felt so weird and awkward but I did survive the night and get some sleep. Thats all for the moving part.

Next, well, I had a roommate now. I really need time to accept the fact and adapt myself to a sharing environment. I would say that everything started quite good at the beginning though my 1st choice of bed and table had to be given out to my roommate. I felt abit sad yet just wanted to be nice, so I let him had them with reluctantly. Later on, I finally understood why they said that we'll get to know a person's true characters after you live together with them. Well, that's going to be a future story.

Furthermore, my studies were suck. They were falling apart like a falling puzzle. I tried to sort the problems out but I failed. I am seriously afraid that I would get an average result for this semester. But, I think I will give myself a try for a final shot before the exam. Class was doing good in general. Although there were some arguments, I still managed to hold my temper and did not let it escape to the surface for eruption. The stories in between will be told in its separated topics. Haha.. ^_^

Lastly, my relationship. Its complicated yet lonely but full with surprise. Actually I tried to make it sounds interesting because I myself need to comfort myself for that. Anyway, I would create a topic on my relationships. So, I guess that's all in general which had happened to me in past 3 months. What an exhausting yet exhilarating months!!!

Return

Its been a long time since my last blog.
A lot of things had happened to me.
There were happiness, sadness, glorious and frustration.

I am going to describe as details as possible in my following blogs about my life in this 3 months after I've moved into a new room.

Obsession

"Power and fame will make people obsess for them."
I have always tell my friends about this.

You will never know what the obsession for power and fame could do to a person.
The result is far from imaginable.
The hunger and thirst for the power will drive a person to be fully obsessed and possessed.

I have seen my friend in this state before.
Trust me, its horrible and terrible.
He did everything he could to achieve his goal in having the control over everything.
I could not trust and all the things he did was unbelievable for me as he used to be one of my best friends.

However, things had changed lately.
For all this time, I have been doing my best to resist the temptation.
Lastly, I succumbed to its demonic summon.
I have turned into one of them.
I felt ashamed of myself.
I felt very guilty to myself as I have pledged that I would never fall into the darkness of obsession.

Therefore, I am trying to pull myself out of the darkness.
The claws had hold themselves on me.
I must release myself before my consciousness being swollowed up by the devil.
I do not what will happen after this.
But, I am wishing for the best.

Be strong... ... ...

I was cheated?

Last two weeks,
I thought I have found someone that I could pour my love on him.
But, I think I am wrong. Everything is just my own misunderstanding.

Haha... think back again, I just realised how foolish I am.
Just because he called me "honey", just because he said he loved me, just because he was treating me so nice, the stupid me just blindly believe that he did really love me.

Maybe I am just a dumb fool. Whenever I encountered the truth, I will always be the loser.
The truth will just strike me with the force of an air blow and the impact will be my broken heart.

I felt hurt and disappointed. I am behaving like a young teenager who just fell in love with someone and found out that all of this is just his own idiot fantasy.

What is wrong with me?
Everything seems so wrong.
My academic performances started to deteriorate.
My friendships are falling apart.
Everything of mine is falling apart.

I felt like crying.
But, the tears just ain't going to stream down.
I heard once, when you are totally breakdown, you will not feel like crying because there are no tears from your heart as it has already dead.
I do believe that yet I did not experience the feeling before.

Finally, my tears are falling down.
Words do know how my feeling is.
But, they can never express it to others.

Betrayal?

I have been considering for a few days now.

Apparently, I am flirting with a girl that my friend likes so much.
So, it makes me feel like I am betraying him.
However, the girl shows no interest towards him.
Yet, he still does not give up.

In one hand, I felt like I had done something I should not.
But, in another hand, its not my fault. We are just fighting fair.

Nevertheless, I am afraid that my friend would know about this sooner or later.

Have I Let Go?

Let go?
Am I?

This question had puzzled me for awhile.
Did I really let go?

Honestly, I ,myself can't give a confirm answer.
I told myself that it's time for me to move on.
Yet, deep inside myself, I still keep a tiny trait of hope.
The hope of a light to bring me out from the current darkness which seems eternal.

I always thought that if I try hard enough, I will be able to change the fact and truth.
However, I failed myself.
The truth is no matter how hard I tried, I will never be able to make miracle happen.

Nevertheless, fate do like to tease people.
When I made up my mind to move forward, once again, hints being shown as if there is a U-turn for me.
I wanted to trust that I have the chance to make the U-turn.
But, no. It'll never happen for me.
The gap between us is huge.
Sometimes, I feel we are so close that we are meant for each other.
However, the reality is cruel and devastating.
My fantasy was destroyed by this powerful force.

Starting from that moment, I've realised that we were not meant for each other.
So, what is the persistent for a no ending relationship?

I really tried to let go.
But, it's never an easy task.
I'll keep on trying.
And there will be no more U-turn.
The best way to retain is friendship.
I think that is the most suitable relationship that should we establish rather than upgrade it to a higher level.

Please forgive my selfishness.
I know you never meant to have this ending.
Yet, I am exhausted.
I can't stand for any longer.
Forgive me for my weak.
Forgive me for letting myself collapse during the construction of our relationship.
I am sorry.

Fantasy

Fantasy
This word really make me think for quite some time to figure it out.
For me, Fantasy is a dream which is feasible yet seems impossible.

I'm a person who likes to read novels.
Whenever I finish reading a novel, I'll start to think about the story itself.
Sometimes, I'm just so envy of these stories.
They seems so wonderful yet hazardous.
I couldn't afford to let all these craps to "hack" my mind.
The consequences are devastating.

However, I used to fantasise that I will own a life as written in novels.
Follow thw plot of novel, the rendezvous of two person who has been indicated for each other.
After a few obstacles, they struggled through and live together happily.
Although they had fought over some thoughts, they still strongly bonded to each other.

I seriously I could have this kind of love even only for once in my life.
Though I would have to go through a really hard time and earn the future,
I would do anything at any cost to maintain the happiness that belongs to me.

Mostly, after I finished a novel, I would sigh and a pearl drop of tear would flow down my cheek.
The sigh is either sighing for the sad ending or sometimes even sighed for the happy ending.
The sigh for sad ending is because the loved ones could not be together though they had gone through a very hard time. Now, that's usually happen in reality. Whereas the sigh for happy ending is because I'm sighing for myself who is so eager to have that kind of life. I sighed that this kind of happy ending hardly happen in reality especially current days.

Nevertheless, fantasy is a fantasy. It can become true if you work hard enough, sometime it won't come true even after you returned to the earth. Fantasy has the power to drive a person towards triumph but it also has the power to send a person to hell. The balancing and neutrality between fantasy and realityis the life that I'm looking forward to have.

Its Time for Me to Change

Today, I had been given the opportunity to rethink my way of doing things.
One of my friends, Apple had said something to me which had made me fell into a serious thought.

She said, "Now, I know you are very efficient. You could finish things in a very fast pace. But, please think of others. Maybe others are not as efficient as you. Maybe you should follow the others' pace rather than yours."

Frankly speaking, at that moment, my emotions overwhelmed my rationalism. I was annoyed by her statement at that moment. However, as soon as I chilled down, I started to think again the statement she had thrown on me. Maybe the time has come for me to change my way of doing things.

I think I better start learning how to take order from others. Maybe a long term of holding high positions during high school had made me became used to that kind of position where I'll be the one to give order and decide the whole game.

The statement threw on me seriously created a huge impact on me. I don't know how many persons did I irritated but I really do hope that I still able to make U-turn and set things right.

Well, I will train myself to receive orders better and try to ignore those jobs which are out of my responsibilities coverage. After all, maybe that's what everybody is hoping. Yet, I will never let my performance and image being destroyed. I'll do my best to ensure an eternal triumph.

New Year

Once again~
I've returned to this realm of my heart.

Honestly, I don't believe in this new year resolution thing.
I think its crap! People always has this resolution but how mnay did actually achieve them?
I prefer to set a goal for myself and struggle to achieve.
I think the enjoyment is much greater than achieve that resolution crap!

Anyway, in this 2010, I just hope that my studies go smoothly.
Anything good please do happen. Anything bad but not major one could also happen just to give me a reminder. I wouldn't want to have a huge turnover in my cuurent life.

WoHoo~ I'm Home....

Finally, I'm home.
After all this time, I can stay at home for at least a month.
I'm very happy.

I could go hanging out with my friends.
I could eat a lot of super delicious nice stuff.
I could play with my little cousin Jocelyn.

Anyway, I super delighted to be back!!!!
WoHooo...............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^^

I gave up

I've tried hard enough to not jealous.
But I failed.

I really couldn't find a reason or source for me to continue believing that someday you and me will be together.
This dream is falling apart.

I gave up.
I really had given up.
I'm sorry.

Let just be friend.

It just won't work!!!

我试了又试！
我不想那么快放弃，可是我到最后还是放弃了。
我与你，有着天壤之别，根本不可能在一起。

我们俩来自于不同世界的人。
你的观念与我不同，待人处事也不一样。
我觉得，就算我百般的对你迁就，忍让都好，我们还是没办法在一起的。

原因非常的简单。
虽然我不介意，但我还是会吃醋。
我没办法控制你的自由，但你也没控制你所拥有的自由。
这造成了两败俱伤的后果。
你觉得为难，我觉得委屈，那又何必呢？

我从喜欢你那一刻开始，从没停止过希望与你在一起的那一天的来临。
但，现在的我，盼不到那一天的来临了。
I don't know how should I say this, but us... It just won't work!!!

我很高兴在这里认识到你。
也很庆幸自己曾经爱过你。
不过，10/12/09 当我从batu回来之后，我们之间就只剩下友情了。
纯纯的友情，再普通不过的友情罢了。

我们的约定，取消吧！

那晚，我对你许下了承诺。
我们的约定，就在我们俩的手指纠缠下成立了。
但我，现在想告诉你，我们的约定，取消吧！

你的吻，是我朝思暮想的梦。
我们的约定，让我的梦实现了一半。
我感到无比的愉悦，就像我已经实现了已久的愿望。
但我，现在已不想这个愿望被实现。

对你许下的承诺，我会办到。
我不会让你的父母失望的。
我知道，他们对你的期望高，你也不想让他们失望。
答应了你，我就会设法日阿昂你过关。
但是，至于我们之间的约定，就算了吧。

我很怕，好怕，我无法实现我们的约定。
我害怕，当我吻你的时候，心已经死了。
我曾经认为我可以，可以睁一只眼闭一只眼。
最终，我还是失败了。

人类的嫉妒心，是个无比强大的力量。
我还是吃醋了。
我嫉妒，嫉妒你与他的暧昧。
我恨，恨你的随和，恨你的热情，恨你的暧昧眼神。

原本的我以为，忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空。
但我错了。
无谓的执着，带来的，只有无比的伤痛！
所以，我们的约定，取消吧！

Your return

I was so happy the night before your return.
Though I was astonished by your call during the midnight, I still felt happy because you were telling me that you were coming back.
That night I slept with smile and sweetness.

Your return woke up me up as your contact ringtone came into live.
I picked up the phone and there you were.
Your voice was so energetic and eaagerly to enjoy the day.
I was expecting a great day being together with you.
That was what I wishing for at first.

I thought this would be our two person moment.
Yet, once again, I was wrong.
So, off we went to 1-U.
I couldn't hold myself together and be happy that day.
I didn't want to be there somehow.
I just felt like I'm the odd one there.
But, I knew that you'ld be upset if I would just say that I want to go back.
Therefore, I stayed.

Whenever I saw you, I just wanted to hold your hands.
Whenevr I saw you, I just wanted to kiss your lips.
Whenever I saw you, I just wanted to say "I love you".
But no matter whenever or however, I wouldn't have the chance to do all these.

是时候了吧

想了想
总觉得我再坚持下去
也一无是处

我与你
应该还是比较适合做朋友吧

我的想法
是对还是错呢
我不知道
我只知道
每当看见你与他的时候
心里总还是会有一股不舒服的感觉

也许你的世界
真的和我的不同吧
我们俩都来自不同的世界
成长观念也各有主见
共同点
有吗

是时候了吧
也许
友情就是我们俩的选择