Obsession

"Power and fame will make people obsess for them."
I have always tell my friends about this.

You will never know what the obsession for power and fame could do to a person.
The result is far from imaginable.
The hunger and thirst for the power will drive a person to be fully obsessed and possessed.

I have seen my friend in this state before.
Trust me, its horrible and terrible.
He did everything he could to achieve his goal in having the control over everything.
I could not trust and all the things he did was unbelievable for me as he used to be one of my best friends.

However, things had changed lately.
For all this time, I have been doing my best to resist the temptation.
Lastly, I succumbed to its demonic summon.
I have turned into one of them.
I felt ashamed of myself.
I felt very guilty to myself as I have pledged that I would never fall into the darkness of obsession.

Therefore, I am trying to pull myself out of the darkness.
The claws had hold themselves on me.
I must release myself before my consciousness being swollowed up by the devil.
I do not what will happen after this.
But, I am wishing for the best.

Be strong... ... ...

I was cheated?

Last two weeks,
I thought I have found someone that I could pour my love on him.
But, I think I am wrong. Everything is just my own misunderstanding.

Haha... think back again, I just realised how foolish I am.
Just because he called me "honey", just because he said he loved me, just because he was treating me so nice, the stupid me just blindly believe that he did really love me.

Maybe I am just a dumb fool. Whenever I encountered the truth, I will always be the loser.
The truth will just strike me with the force of an air blow and the impact will be my broken heart.

I felt hurt and disappointed. I am behaving like a young teenager who just fell in love with someone and found out that all of this is just his own idiot fantasy.

What is wrong with me?
Everything seems so wrong.
My academic performances started to deteriorate.
My friendships are falling apart.
Everything of mine is falling apart.

I felt like crying.
But, the tears just ain't going to stream down.
I heard once, when you are totally breakdown, you will not feel like crying because there are no tears from your heart as it has already dead.
I do believe that yet I did not experience the feeling before.

Finally, my tears are falling down.
Words do know how my feeling is.
But, they can never express it to others.

Betrayal?

I have been considering for a few days now.

Apparently, I am flirting with a girl that my friend likes so much.
So, it makes me feel like I am betraying him.
However, the girl shows no interest towards him.
Yet, he still does not give up.

In one hand, I felt like I had done something I should not.
But, in another hand, its not my fault. We are just fighting fair.

Nevertheless, I am afraid that my friend would know about this sooner or later.

Have I Let Go?

Let go?
Am I?

This question had puzzled me for awhile.
Did I really let go?

Honestly, I ,myself can't give a confirm answer.
I told myself that it's time for me to move on.
Yet, deep inside myself, I still keep a tiny trait of hope.
The hope of a light to bring me out from the current darkness which seems eternal.

I always thought that if I try hard enough, I will be able to change the fact and truth.
However, I failed myself.
The truth is no matter how hard I tried, I will never be able to make miracle happen.

Nevertheless, fate do like to tease people.
When I made up my mind to move forward, once again, hints being shown as if there is a U-turn for me.
I wanted to trust that I have the chance to make the U-turn.
But, no. It'll never happen for me.
The gap between us is huge.
Sometimes, I feel we are so close that we are meant for each other.
However, the reality is cruel and devastating.
My fantasy was destroyed by this powerful force.

Starting from that moment, I've realised that we were not meant for each other.
So, what is the persistent for a no ending relationship?

I really tried to let go.
But, it's never an easy task.
I'll keep on trying.
And there will be no more U-turn.
The best way to retain is friendship.
I think that is the most suitable relationship that should we establish rather than upgrade it to a higher level.

Please forgive my selfishness.
I know you never meant to have this ending.
Yet, I am exhausted.
I can't stand for any longer.
Forgive me for my weak.
Forgive me for letting myself collapse during the construction of our relationship.
I am sorry.

Fantasy

Fantasy
This word really make me think for quite some time to figure it out.
For me, Fantasy is a dream which is feasible yet seems impossible.

I'm a person who likes to read novels.
Whenever I finish reading a novel, I'll start to think about the story itself.
Sometimes, I'm just so envy of these stories.
They seems so wonderful yet hazardous.
I couldn't afford to let all these craps to "hack" my mind.
The consequences are devastating.

However, I used to fantasise that I will own a life as written in novels.
Follow thw plot of novel, the rendezvous of two person who has been indicated for each other.
After a few obstacles, they struggled through and live together happily.
Although they had fought over some thoughts, they still strongly bonded to each other.

I seriously I could have this kind of love even only for once in my life.
Though I would have to go through a really hard time and earn the future,
I would do anything at any cost to maintain the happiness that belongs to me.

Mostly, after I finished a novel, I would sigh and a pearl drop of tear would flow down my cheek.
The sigh is either sighing for the sad ending or sometimes even sighed for the happy ending.
The sigh for sad ending is because the loved ones could not be together though they had gone through a very hard time. Now, that's usually happen in reality. Whereas the sigh for happy ending is because I'm sighing for myself who is so eager to have that kind of life. I sighed that this kind of happy ending hardly happen in reality especially current days.

Nevertheless, fantasy is a fantasy. It can become true if you work hard enough, sometime it won't come true even after you returned to the earth. Fantasy has the power to drive a person towards triumph but it also has the power to send a person to hell. The balancing and neutrality between fantasy and realityis the life that I'm looking forward to have.

Its Time for Me to Change

Today, I had been given the opportunity to rethink my way of doing things.
One of my friends, Apple had said something to me which had made me fell into a serious thought.

She said, "Now, I know you are very efficient. You could finish things in a very fast pace. But, please think of others. Maybe others are not as efficient as you. Maybe you should follow the others' pace rather than yours."

Frankly speaking, at that moment, my emotions overwhelmed my rationalism. I was annoyed by her statement at that moment. However, as soon as I chilled down, I started to think again the statement she had thrown on me. Maybe the time has come for me to change my way of doing things.

I think I better start learning how to take order from others. Maybe a long term of holding high positions during high school had made me became used to that kind of position where I'll be the one to give order and decide the whole game.

The statement threw on me seriously created a huge impact on me. I don't know how many persons did I irritated but I really do hope that I still able to make U-turn and set things right.

Well, I will train myself to receive orders better and try to ignore those jobs which are out of my responsibilities coverage. After all, maybe that's what everybody is hoping. Yet, I will never let my performance and image being destroyed. I'll do my best to ensure an eternal triumph.

New Year

Once again~
I've returned to this realm of my heart.

Honestly, I don't believe in this new year resolution thing.
I think its crap! People always has this resolution but how mnay did actually achieve them?
I prefer to set a goal for myself and struggle to achieve.
I think the enjoyment is much greater than achieve that resolution crap!

Anyway, in this 2010, I just hope that my studies go smoothly.
Anything good please do happen. Anything bad but not major one could also happen just to give me a reminder. I wouldn't want to have a huge turnover in my cuurent life.