不只是朋友

你从不知道
我想做的不只是朋友
还想有那么一点点自私的占有


不只是朋友
那又在期待什么呢?

自己？

“自己”
这两个字对我来说，真的实在是好沉好沉……

做自己，真得那么容易吗？
常常听别人说：“做自己就好了！不需要顾虑别人的眼光！”
但要做到这样，又谈何容易。

我，根本就是个活生生的谎话。
一直被谎话所包装的我，又如何做自己呢？
我很想做自己，但我不能！
有些事，真的无法回头。

我很想不管一切的做自己。
但，只要看见未来的我，真正的我，我无法做自己了。

最近，也许是看到了太多，竟然触景伤情了起来。
想到一路来的我，就觉得我活得，也未免太空虚了吧。
一切的一切，就只有谎话。

真实的回忆，又有什么呢？
我真的很想你……
你为什么当初可以那么的残忍？
难道我就真的那么不值得你去爱吗？
那一句……就那一句：“No!"
让我的心，彻彻底底的碎了！

你的忽冷忽热，对我来说，是无比的残酷！
我的爱，就这样的，被你糟蹋了！

做自己？每当我听到这句话时，我会不禁的冷笑。
世上，能真的做自己的人，又有几个呢？
每一个人，都是围绕着谎言。
所谓的现实也都是谎言。

我，什么都不是，只是玩具一个。
玩腻了，就会被遗弃。

身边的人，也只是为了自己的利益。
我，对他们而言，就如工具，得到胜利的工具。
生锈了，我就会被遗忘。

一个人，栽下面具，独自在黑暗里落泪。
孱孱留下后，又把面具戴上。

原来我，什么都不是，什么都没有。

I feel so annoyed!!!

What on earth would a guy behave like him?
Why cant he just settle things by himself?
And why cant he be just a little bit humble?

Im not a story listener and I dont have to if I dont want to.
What makes you think that I would have to listen to all your craps?
Your stories are so boring!!!
And yet you still think that you have hell of a great stories!!
OMG!!! Wake up man!!!

I mean why should I tolerate.
You have your own space and privacy.
Therefore, Im hoping the same for me from you.
But you have been interfering my life and my routine.
It makes me feel so irritated!!!

Damn it!!!
Im angry yet I've to hold my fire back!!!
5 more months to go...
Hope I do have that power to control myself!!!

=.="

好需要。。。

怎么办呢？
最近都觉得有点怪怪的。。
突然觉得自己好孤独噢~ T_T

好需要爱情噢~
是太久没得到爱情的滋润吗？
突然好羡慕周围的朋友。。
大家都有了属于自己的另一半。。
我呢？

还需要多久呢？
真的很希望自己可以快点找到让我幸福的人。。
哎哟。。。惨了啦~
真的觉得自己失心疯了啦~
爱情快快来。。。
好需要你。。。 >3

3 Months

Fuuhhh... 3 months had gone without me noticing.

Well, lets see what had happened in this short 3 months.

Firstly, of course I did move out from my hostel into a new house nearby college. I did busy for 2 weeks just to move all my stuffs. By that time, I realised that I had hell lots of stuffs. x.x
Anyway, I decorated the room in my way to make me feel at home. I did spend quite a sum of money to make it happen but at least I was happy with the outcome. I couldn't really get myself adapted at the first night. Everything just felt so weird and awkward but I did survive the night and get some sleep. Thats all for the moving part.

Next, well, I had a roommate now. I really need time to accept the fact and adapt myself to a sharing environment. I would say that everything started quite good at the beginning though my 1st choice of bed and table had to be given out to my roommate. I felt abit sad yet just wanted to be nice, so I let him had them with reluctantly. Later on, I finally understood why they said that we'll get to know a person's true characters after you live together with them. Well, that's going to be a future story.

Furthermore, my studies were suck. They were falling apart like a falling puzzle. I tried to sort the problems out but I failed. I am seriously afraid that I would get an average result for this semester. But, I think I will give myself a try for a final shot before the exam. Class was doing good in general. Although there were some arguments, I still managed to hold my temper and did not let it escape to the surface for eruption. The stories in between will be told in its separated topics. Haha.. ^_^

Lastly, my relationship. Its complicated yet lonely but full with surprise. Actually I tried to make it sounds interesting because I myself need to comfort myself for that. Anyway, I would create a topic on my relationships. So, I guess that's all in general which had happened to me in past 3 months. What an exhausting yet exhilarating months!!!

Return

Its been a long time since my last blog.
A lot of things had happened to me.
There were happiness, sadness, glorious and frustration.

I am going to describe as details as possible in my following blogs about my life in this 3 months after I've moved into a new room.

Obsession

"Power and fame will make people obsess for them."
I have always tell my friends about this.

You will never know what the obsession for power and fame could do to a person.
The result is far from imaginable.
The hunger and thirst for the power will drive a person to be fully obsessed and possessed.

I have seen my friend in this state before.
Trust me, its horrible and terrible.
He did everything he could to achieve his goal in having the control over everything.
I could not trust and all the things he did was unbelievable for me as he used to be one of my best friends.

However, things had changed lately.
For all this time, I have been doing my best to resist the temptation.
Lastly, I succumbed to its demonic summon.
I have turned into one of them.
I felt ashamed of myself.
I felt very guilty to myself as I have pledged that I would never fall into the darkness of obsession.

Therefore, I am trying to pull myself out of the darkness.
The claws had hold themselves on me.
I must release myself before my consciousness being swollowed up by the devil.
I do not what will happen after this.
But, I am wishing for the best.

Be strong... ... ...

I was cheated?

Last two weeks,
I thought I have found someone that I could pour my love on him.
But, I think I am wrong. Everything is just my own misunderstanding.

Haha... think back again, I just realised how foolish I am.
Just because he called me "honey", just because he said he loved me, just because he was treating me so nice, the stupid me just blindly believe that he did really love me.

Maybe I am just a dumb fool. Whenever I encountered the truth, I will always be the loser.
The truth will just strike me with the force of an air blow and the impact will be my broken heart.

I felt hurt and disappointed. I am behaving like a young teenager who just fell in love with someone and found out that all of this is just his own idiot fantasy.

What is wrong with me?
Everything seems so wrong.
My academic performances started to deteriorate.
My friendships are falling apart.
Everything of mine is falling apart.

I felt like crying.
But, the tears just ain't going to stream down.
I heard once, when you are totally breakdown, you will not feel like crying because there are no tears from your heart as it has already dead.
I do believe that yet I did not experience the feeling before.

Finally, my tears are falling down.
Words do know how my feeling is.
But, they can never express it to others.

Betrayal?

I have been considering for a few days now.

Apparently, I am flirting with a girl that my friend likes so much.
So, it makes me feel like I am betraying him.
However, the girl shows no interest towards him.
Yet, he still does not give up.

In one hand, I felt like I had done something I should not.
But, in another hand, its not my fault. We are just fighting fair.

Nevertheless, I am afraid that my friend would know about this sooner or later.

Have I Let Go?

Let go?
Am I?

This question had puzzled me for awhile.
Did I really let go?

Honestly, I ,myself can't give a confirm answer.
I told myself that it's time for me to move on.
Yet, deep inside myself, I still keep a tiny trait of hope.
The hope of a light to bring me out from the current darkness which seems eternal.

I always thought that if I try hard enough, I will be able to change the fact and truth.
However, I failed myself.
The truth is no matter how hard I tried, I will never be able to make miracle happen.

Nevertheless, fate do like to tease people.
When I made up my mind to move forward, once again, hints being shown as if there is a U-turn for me.
I wanted to trust that I have the chance to make the U-turn.
But, no. It'll never happen for me.
The gap between us is huge.
Sometimes, I feel we are so close that we are meant for each other.
However, the reality is cruel and devastating.
My fantasy was destroyed by this powerful force.

Starting from that moment, I've realised that we were not meant for each other.
So, what is the persistent for a no ending relationship?

I really tried to let go.
But, it's never an easy task.
I'll keep on trying.
And there will be no more U-turn.
The best way to retain is friendship.
I think that is the most suitable relationship that should we establish rather than upgrade it to a higher level.

Please forgive my selfishness.
I know you never meant to have this ending.
Yet, I am exhausted.
I can't stand for any longer.
Forgive me for my weak.
Forgive me for letting myself collapse during the construction of our relationship.
I am sorry.

Fantasy

Fantasy
This word really make me think for quite some time to figure it out.
For me, Fantasy is a dream which is feasible yet seems impossible.

I'm a person who likes to read novels.
Whenever I finish reading a novel, I'll start to think about the story itself.
Sometimes, I'm just so envy of these stories.
They seems so wonderful yet hazardous.
I couldn't afford to let all these craps to "hack" my mind.
The consequences are devastating.

However, I used to fantasise that I will own a life as written in novels.
Follow thw plot of novel, the rendezvous of two person who has been indicated for each other.
After a few obstacles, they struggled through and live together happily.
Although they had fought over some thoughts, they still strongly bonded to each other.

I seriously I could have this kind of love even only for once in my life.
Though I would have to go through a really hard time and earn the future,
I would do anything at any cost to maintain the happiness that belongs to me.

Mostly, after I finished a novel, I would sigh and a pearl drop of tear would flow down my cheek.
The sigh is either sighing for the sad ending or sometimes even sighed for the happy ending.
The sigh for sad ending is because the loved ones could not be together though they had gone through a very hard time. Now, that's usually happen in reality. Whereas the sigh for happy ending is because I'm sighing for myself who is so eager to have that kind of life. I sighed that this kind of happy ending hardly happen in reality especially current days.

Nevertheless, fantasy is a fantasy. It can become true if you work hard enough, sometime it won't come true even after you returned to the earth. Fantasy has the power to drive a person towards triumph but it also has the power to send a person to hell. The balancing and neutrality between fantasy and realityis the life that I'm looking forward to have.

Its Time for Me to Change

Today, I had been given the opportunity to rethink my way of doing things.
One of my friends, Apple had said something to me which had made me fell into a serious thought.

She said, "Now, I know you are very efficient. You could finish things in a very fast pace. But, please think of others. Maybe others are not as efficient as you. Maybe you should follow the others' pace rather than yours."

Frankly speaking, at that moment, my emotions overwhelmed my rationalism. I was annoyed by her statement at that moment. However, as soon as I chilled down, I started to think again the statement she had thrown on me. Maybe the time has come for me to change my way of doing things.

I think I better start learning how to take order from others. Maybe a long term of holding high positions during high school had made me became used to that kind of position where I'll be the one to give order and decide the whole game.

The statement threw on me seriously created a huge impact on me. I don't know how many persons did I irritated but I really do hope that I still able to make U-turn and set things right.

Well, I will train myself to receive orders better and try to ignore those jobs which are out of my responsibilities coverage. After all, maybe that's what everybody is hoping. Yet, I will never let my performance and image being destroyed. I'll do my best to ensure an eternal triumph.

New Year

Once again~
I've returned to this realm of my heart.

Honestly, I don't believe in this new year resolution thing.
I think its crap! People always has this resolution but how mnay did actually achieve them?
I prefer to set a goal for myself and struggle to achieve.
I think the enjoyment is much greater than achieve that resolution crap!

Anyway, in this 2010, I just hope that my studies go smoothly.
Anything good please do happen. Anything bad but not major one could also happen just to give me a reminder. I wouldn't want to have a huge turnover in my cuurent life.