Last Few Days~

Starting from today...
It'll be a count down start for me.
I'll have to start counting the following days.
Which will be very excruciating for me ... ... ... ...

爱你的我

天天看着你
天天听着你

爱你的我
受尽无数创伤
在眼前
你如何对待每个不一样的女人

爱你的我
无法说出心中的心情
只好默默
忍气吞声

爱你的我
就因为所剩的时日已不多
不想因为一些无谓的因素
与你搞得不愉快

爱你的我
知道你要离开了
真的不想让你看见
我为你掉泪的双眼

我应该
把这感情收拾
做好心理准备
好让自己的心
没受到重伤

Weeks of sadness

Following weeks will be a tough one for me.
Sadness going to wrap all over me.
I wish I can survive through this.

为何？

为什么？为什么？
你为什么要这样呢？

你是要让我内疚吗？
你是要让我伤心吗？
你是要让我痛心吗？

我的确是很痛心，伤心不已，心痕累累，似乎已感觉不到伤痛。
但，不是因为我决定放弃你，是因为我又再次被女人玩弄了。
曾经放弃了女人的我，再次爱上女人是因为云的关系。
她让我相信，还是有女人是值得我去疼爱的。
知道遇见了你，我再次体验到女人的险恶。

三个月，非长亦不短，掏心掏肺讨好你，
但你，就无动于衷。
就算现在你告诉我，你已经喜欢上我了，那又怎样呢？
我三番四次提醒你，感情，一旦散了，想拾也拾不回了。
我说过，别等我对你的热情不见了，再来告诉我，你喜欢我。
那已经是一无是处。

爱情，悄悄地吻上你的脸，幸福漫漫，延伸心灵每一处；若把握时机，适时把爱情拥入怀里，幸福就属于你的。
爱情，悄悄地离开了你身边，痛苦漫漫，延伸心灵每一段；若把握时机，再也挽留不到爱情的离去，痛心就属于你的。

Bedside story (Pt 2)

Stop! Please stop!

Could you please stop telling me all the stories of you and your ex-girlfriend?
I'm suffering. You're tearing my heart apart.
I know you still love her very much
I can see that. And I hated myself so much for being so understanding.
I know those images of her will occupy your heart for quite some time.
But, I'm listening with my heart falling tears.
I love you. But I can't tell you.
Whenever I see you smile as you remind of her,
I feel like killing myself.
Whenever I see you laugh as you remind of funny stories with her,
I have to laugh together but with a crying heart.

I ... ... ... ...
I really don't know what to do.
You let me see the picture of you kissing her.
During that split of second,
my heart stopped beating.
I feel numb.
How I wish I'm the one who you are kissing.

I stayed up late and listen to your stories.
I tried to make you feel that I really interested.
But when I tried to tell you mine,
you slept.
I want to have the feeling of anger,
but I couldn't.
I know you are tired.
So, I let you sleep.
And my tears just can't help but streaming down my cheeks.

Bedside story (Pt 1)

"You will miss me when I'm gone. You'll feel so lonely and strange when I'm no longer sleep together with you. Then, you'll start thinking of me. Remember to tell me whenever you miss me."

This is what you've said to me.
I don't have to wait until you're gone.
Even now, you're just by my side.
I've started to miss you already.
You are right.
I definitely will miss you when you're gone.
Especially every night of not having you sleeping by my side.
Whenever I woke up and saw you sleeping like a child, just by my side,
I felt like I owned the world.
its such a wonderful feeling.

Your return

You've go back.
You've returned to your home sweet home.
For once, I've think of asking you not to go back.
But I know.
You'll have to go back.
You have your work in the church.
I know you're a decent Catholic follower.
You'll never disobey your religion.
That's also one of the reason why I refuse and will not ever tell you the truth.

Never know

You'll never know about this.
Never know that I've a crush on you.
I don't want to let you know about this.
I don't want to disgust me.
I don't want you to hate me.
I don't want to lose you.
Even for a second.
I don't want to be separated from you.
I love you. I really do.
Once you pursue your dream,
I know I can't stop you from leaving.
But I felt so sad and being left aside.
T.T

uncontrollable

Really started to like him.
His face under the glimmer of dew was so irressistable.
He is just so cute!! >/////<
He looks like a newborn baby.
Trying to get more sleep under the warmth of mummy's hug.
I'm totally fascinated by all of his moves.
What should I do now?
He's leaving soon.
Very very soon.
Too soon that I've to fall back to earth just right after I'm in heaven.
I know I'll never own him.
But I just hoped that I'll have him for just a night.
A night where I'm neither his friend nor brother...
But a lover ... ... ... ... ... ...

Time has come

The time has come for me to prepare myself.
He'll be leaving soon.
I don't know whether I can accept this impact.
I hope I will really get myself prepared for this.

Since the day I met him
I really think that we have some kind of chemcial reactions going on
Its not love reaction but some kind of brotherhood reaction.
I always wanted a brother for myself.
And his existance is just like a gift from God to fill up my heart.

Though I will only have him for a short time.
But I really appreciate it.
I wish that our relation won't end right after he left.

How I wish

How I wish I could tell you the truth
I know I will never ever tell you the truth
Because I don't want to lose you
I am happy even though you treat me like a friend
Yet I can't treat you like a friend
You have become a special one for me
To be more details
You had totally taken over the place of "bb" in my heart
I don't know when and how did you make it
But you are the one in my heart now
I know its imposibble for you to be mine
And I know you will never belong to me
But I somehow still hoping that you will become mine
Maybe someone might think I'm crazy to hope for something that will never happen
But my heart just don't want to give up
I know this would be a hard journey
But I'm willing to go through this
I know this would make my heart full of grief and pain
But I'm willing to take the risk
This is just because I really do love you
With the strength of love
I think I will survive through this fatal trap
I really hope I do because I'm not sure that my heart is able to take another impact
Last impact had greatly broken my heart into debris
Pieces and pieces collected and joined again
Just hope that this time my heart won't go forever

3 days in Penang

Day 1
Miss you
Really really do miss you
Want to be by your side
Listen to your voice
See your face
Look into your eyes
Lay on your shoulders

Yes I think
Its the time for me
I've to let go

Day 2
Its been 2 days
We never talk
Not even once
What does this mean
Does this mean there will be nothing between us

Yes
Answer has been confirmed
There'll be no more "we"

Day 3
The last day had come
There's nothing left
There'll only be smile
And only smile
No more feeling
No more missing
Only smiling
To cover up all the pain

Promise myself
Never fall tears anymore
Finall I got the answer
But its too late
I've lost you
Forever and ever

I think I ... ... ...

I think I had grown the feel so badly.
Why am I becoming like this?
Why did we know each other?
Why did I talk to you?
Why I chose to sat by your side at that day?
We wouldn't have any contact with each other if I didn't start to involve in your life.
Why on Earth did I make friendship bond with you?

Now, I regretted.
Not to say regretted in a negative way but I'm regretted because I started to depend on you already.
I'll miss you if I didn't see you.
I'll want to send you a message whenever I'm free.
I'll want to call you to listen to your voice just to get rid of my loneliness.

So, what should I do now?
Sister ask me to follow my heart.
Should I?
I still love her but in the meantime, the feeling is growing eagerly towards him.
I know I'm not suppose to grow for any extension feeling on this relationship.
But, I can't control it. The more I resist the feel, the bigger it will grow.
I really started to rely on him now.
I ... ... ...
I can't find words to express.

Again...
By not making a decision is making a decision.
I don't know what I should do or should not do.
I know that I will never own neither he nor her.
So, come to the last, I think I ... ... ... ...
Either I'll be alone or still be alone... ... ...

Are you?

I felt so tired.
Not my body but my heart.
For the first time, I've dropped my tears for you.
I knew that you'ld never realise or know about this.
But my heart is just falling apart.

She told me that you are never ever going to accept me.
Its a lightning strike for me when I heard this.
I don't know what to believe or what not to believe.
You never really tell me what you really feel.
I'm so curious and anxious.

What did I do wrong?
What else do you want from me?
What else you want me to do?
I really confused.

Now, what I want to make myself clear is that I always keep my word.
I had promised you that I'll become normal again and I'll do it.
But, it seems that all the effort been made are just worthless in your eyes.
Do you think that its easy to turn over a new leaf?
Currently, I admit that I did have some feel toward him but it doesn't mean anything.
But, if I really keep on being disappointed, I will not keep my word.
Even worse, I'll just come out of the closet.

Are you really like what she told me?
Is it true that you'll never consider me?
Is it impossible to have "we" between us?

If its really so, I don't mind you tell me directly.
For the time being, I still able to minimise my pain.
We can still remain friends.
But, I'll give my heart and soul to the one that appreciate it.
No matter the person would be a guy or girl.

I never did rush you to give me an answer, did I?
But, please, don't take me for granted.
I'm not a fool to be twisted here and there.
My heart is just as fragile as yours.

I hope whatever I think of is wrong.
All of these is just my misunderstanding.
But, are you?

Puzzle

I feel like been given a big puzzle.
I think I should describe it as a maze.
I don't now which step to make or choose.
I just feel like I have to do this decision but I don't know how.
Somebody told me before,
"By not making a decision is making a decision."
I agreed with what she said.
Sometimes, I just feel like want to get away from this life.
I want to go to a place where there is no sorrow and frustration.

I had been searching the answer for quite a long time.
Why am I become the one I am today?
Why my life is like this?
Not that I am not satisfied with my current life, its just that I feel so wrong with my current life.

Its been a year I've never felt this feeling.
I didn't realise it until the last two days.
At first, I felt so familiar with this awkward feeling but I still don't get it.
Now, I understand. But, I'm afraid its too late.

I don't know why I will encounter this feel again.
Maybe this is a test for me.
A test to see whether I am able to back as a normal one again.
Well, frankly speaking, I am very afraid that I will fail this test.
It seems that I am growing that feeling very drastically.
I feel so empty. I feel so .. .. .. .. ..
None of the words can express my feeling.

This puzzle will take me quite some time to decode.

I'm sorry

Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Tonight I'ld like to break my word, just for tonight.
I really can't stop myself from thinking of all the memories.
The pain had started to expand in me.
The sweet memories of me and him just keep on flow out.
I tried to control myself but I failed.
My tears started to fall again.
I've promise myself that my tears will never ever drop for him again.
I really can't stop all these things from happening.

However, I want you to know.
Honey, I really love you.
I'm doing my best to change myself.
Please have faith in me.
Please lead me out of this darkness.
I'm afraid of these impenetrable darkness.
I need you.
Please don't give up on me.
I'm sorry. He did bring up all my memories in the past.
I'm afraid, I really afraid, I afraid that I might .........
I might ......... grow some feel toward him.
I keep on saying to myself not to think of this.
But the more I refuse the more I think about this.
What should I do? I really scare.
I really scare of going back to the past.
Honey, please help me.
Please ... ... ... ... ... ...

Memories Flashback

I'm so happy today.
Its like a total flashback of all past memories.
Thank you. Thanks to you.
I really appreciate it though you don't know that what you've done for me.
Memories with my beloved one really flow out like a burst dam.
I really enjoy today.
I felt like just yesterday.
How I wish I could have yesterday once more.
Though you had become a piece of my life history,
I still can't forget you.
I still feel the pain until today.

I still remember that day.
That day you had totally broke my heart into pieces.
Your cruelty had dragged me back to the reality.
I was sentenced into the depending doom.
My life had turned into eternal darkness.
Its an impenetrable darkness.
I was a walking corpse during that time.
I don't have any feeling at that time.
My tears streamed down my cheeks until I can no more feel them.
My eyes swollen as if I was going to blind.
When I was in school, I tried to control my feeling.
But I failed. My tears kept on streamed down until there was no more tears for me.
My friends were astonished that I've become so restless.
I didn't speak or share my burden with anybody.
My health started to deteriorate.
However, I tried to revive myself as soon as possible.
After three days, I came back normal in front of my friends even my parents.
But, deep in my heart, only God knew how hurt was I and the pain that I felt.
The excruciating pain in the heart......

Anyway, that's had all become a sheet of history.
I know that you'll never come back to my side.
I had been trying so hard to put all my heart pieces into one again.
The cracks in between can never be hidden.
They will always be there.
Luckily, I've found someone that I can lay my love on her.
Its hard for me to change in a night.
But, I did promise her that I'll do my best for her and myself.
I really hope that I'll succeed.
And wish that I won't ever turn back to my past again.
I pray that my rational is always there to assist me.

Memories will always stay as memories ..........
Though we're far apart now .........
But we had once be together and lived happily before .........
Wish you have a better and happier life .........

Work harder

What is going on with you?
Honey, I'm trying my biggest effort to help you in your study.
But, you, you keep on give me negative response.
No matter how eager i am or how enthusiastic I am,
I somehow will feel tired too.
I don't know whether is it me that don't work hard enough or its you that just don't know how to appreciate my effort.

Anyway, I will work harder.
This is for you my honey.